Thursday, February 1, 2007

Uncertainty...

Those of you who know Z and I well, know that Z is currently in the process of applying and interviewing for a new job. He and I have both been students for our entire lives, and it is finally time to move on up into the "real" world. We are planning to make some MAJOR adjustments in this new year. New jobs, hopefully new house, and new members of our family (through international adoption). We realize that this is a lot of change at once, but it certainly isn't as though we haven't thought it through. Adoption is something that we have wanted to do for a long time (and something I have personally wanted to do for years). We are both very excited about creating our family in this way, and we are certainly looking forward to all of the changes that we are expecting this year. It will be an exciting year for us!

Believe it or not, I have been holding back on my excitement as much as I can. You see, because Z does not have his full-time (with benefits) job yet, we are totally taking this adoption journey on a leap of faith. We have faith that Z will get a good job with good benefits. We have faith that the homestudy process will go through without a hitch and that we won't be penalized for taking this leap of faith without having ALL of the details worked out entirely just yet. We have faith that we are doing the RIGHT thing for us right now. Yes - to the logical, we should have waited to start this process until all of these details were in place and everything was ready. But, we know the process of international adoption is a long process. And we know we want to start our family. We could have decided to hold off on the adoption process and instead try to have a biological child - but that just isn't where our hearts are. Our hearts are with the children in Ethiopia. Our hearts are with two little siblings in an orphanage in Addis Ababa. We don't yet know who they are, but we already love them, pray for them, and look forward to them joining our family.

In a lot of ways, this doesn't make any sense. If you know me well, you know that I don't tend to make really emotional decisions. I'm a scientist after all. Yes - I'm a girl and I do have emotions that occassionally get the best of me - but I usually tend to overthink things. To over-analyze. To not take a risk unless I know (or at least have a VERY good idea) what the outcome will be. So, for me, this leap of faith is very scary. I like to plan. I love to know where I am going to be, what I am going to be doing, how it is all going to happen. I don't know it this time. But I feel in my heart that we are doing the right thing - that we are on the right path. And that is what I am holding on to.

I haven't told a lot of people who know us (friends, co-workers, acquaintances here in Ames) that we are planning to adopt. I don't know why for sure. I guess maybe its because in my mind there are still a lot of things that could go wrong and then we won't be able to continue on this path. Like maybe our social worker will decide that we aren't fit to be parents and then won't approve our homestudy. I can't imagine this ACTUALLY happening, but it is one of those fears that I have. So, I've decided that I'm not going to tell our friends and co-workers until after our homestudy is completed (unless, of course, they are friends we asked to be references for us).

Z and I are totally ready for this. We want to be parents, we feel we are ready to be parents. Our kids will always know we chose to be their parents. We WANTED them.

Right now I'm feeling a lot of uncertainty; a lot of worry. I worry about Z getting a job soon, so that we have those details worked out. I worry about us finding a house in time for our new kids to join us there instead of having to move into our apartment temporarily. I worry about the homestudy and how the social worker will view us. I worry about whether or not my house will be clean enough for the social worker when she comes to visit with us (perhaps as early as NEXT WEEK)!! I worry about whether or not I will be a good mom. I worry about our kids....and the BIG change that they will have when they join our family. Will they feel safe with us? Will they feel loved? Will they love us back?

I know that all of these worries are probaby (hopefully) normal for adoptive moms. And I know that most of them will not be worked out for some time. But, the one that I am currently MOST worried about is Z's job. Right this minute he is taking a polygraph test for a law enforcement position. He has made it through the round of written and physical tests, interviews, background checks. Now he has to take a polygraph (and if he passes, then he takes a medical exam and psychological exam). I have no worries that he will fail the polygraph test. Z is pretty much an open book and has nothing to hide - so I have complete faith that he will make it to the next round of the interview process. But, will he get the job? I don't know...He's also in the interview process for two other departments in our state. So, even if he doesn't get this job, there are other possibilities still. I KNOW he will get a job. I have faith that he will get the job he is supposed to have. I have faith that he is pursuing the right career path. But this waiting is really tough. Especially when its coupled with the adoption process.

For those of you who are the praying type, we could really use the extra prayers in this area. Pray that Z will get a good job - one that he will love doing - one that he can be happy going to every day. Pray that the "details" will get worked out so we can go at the adoption process with complete peace and excitement. Pray that I will have patience - that I won't push too hard - that I will continue to have faith that things will all work out in the end.

1 comment:

Anita and Family said...

Oh my friend, BIG HUGS!!!! Yes, a lot of what you are feeling right now is very normal and very expected, especially for first time adopters! I will bet you a dollar to a donut that when that social worker leaves your house you will wonder why in the world you spent so much time cleaning! LOL!
It's completely understandable that the job situation with Z has you a bit worried right now. Like you, I have absolute faith that Z will get a job. Praying for that to be sooner rather than later!

Love,
Anita