So, the last couple of days have been some of "those" days. Days when I just feel blue. I feel down, I feel a bit defeated, I feel sad. Mostly I can't explain why I feel this way. Maybe its because the weather went from nice spring-time 70-something degree weather to cold, blustery, 30-something degree weather. Maybe its because I'm PMS-ing. Maybe its because Toby's gone. Maybe its because its a holiday weekend and Z and I have no plans to visit family - just spend time together. Maybe I'm just getting tired of "unknowns". It could be any number or combination of things.
As far as adoption stuff goes, there really isn't anything to report. There may be things happening...there may be big changes to announce...there may be exciting news ahead. But, nothing for sure...and nothing I can really talk about at this point.
For anyone who's curious, Z and I can definitely attest to adoption not being the "easy" way to have kids. Its HARD to adopt. Its hard to explain what's in your heart to someone you don't know and know that you are counting on that person's approval to help you move forward. Its hard to put into words sometimes how and why this option is right for us. Its hard to pull all the documentation together and get ALL the paperwork done. Its hard sometimes to sit and watch adoptive parenting videos. Its hard to sit waiting for approval, knowing you've done everything you can to try to get across that you really are prepared for this big change in your life.
None of this would need to be done if I had just gotten pregnant instead. No one would question why I wanted to have children...no one would question my ability to parent that child...I wouldn't have to fill out tons of paperwork and have it notarized...and there would be lots of people lining up to give advice, offer support, and help out.
But getting pregnant isn't what feels right for us right now. We know we're stepping out in faith a bit. And sometimes that means moving outside our comfort zone. If we weren't committed to this...if we really didn't feel this was right for us, we wouldn't be working so hard to do it. This is not the path of the undecided. Its not the route of the half-committed. Its hard work to do this and if we weren't sure we could do it, we wouldn't. But, we know it is right for us. And we will do everything we can to follow through and get our kids home. In the end, we know that all of this hard work will seem like nothing and we'd do it all over again if we had to. Its just getting to that point that's hard.