For the past few days, we have been preparing for Z to head to Ghana to file our paperwork there and maybe (hopefully) bring our boys home. Anyone who knows anything about the adoption process knows that paperwork is involved. Lots of paperwork. But, to be completely honest, we've had it easy so far. Our homestudy social worker made it really easy for us to get what we needed - everything was totally clear and she helped us understand anything we didn't know. And it helped that she was here visiting with us when she provided assistance, she could point right to the spot where we could find the answer. On top of that, compared to lots of other countries, the dossier for Ghana is pretty easy. There's paperwork involved, but not mounds and mounds of it. For some reason, after the dossier was done and we were in "waiting mode", I assumed that the bulk of the paperwork was done. We'd just have the immigration stuff to do and how bad can that be? Well....I should have known better!
Last night we were going through the list of paperwork that our adoption coordinator put together for us and for some reason I couldn't wrap my mind around how long it was. What? We need that? We didn't need to provide that much detail before; why do they need more now? Isn't it a little late in the game for that? Bank statements, W2s, birth certificates, employment letters, receipt letters, 171-H, I-864, I-864A, DS-230, I-600, ugh, ugh, ugh. I looked at the list and I cried.
And then I started to hyperventilate.
And then I ran away from my computer to go upstairs to bed and cry some more.
And then Z came upstairs to talk some sense in to me, assure me that we could get it all done, and encourage me to come back downstairs and get to work.
I felt stupid for getting so upset. But, the truth is, I looked at that list of paperwork and I got overwhelmed. This was another list of paperwork that I could screw up. I could make a mistake, send it with Z and then not be able to fix it in Ghana. Messed up paperwork means the boys are delayed and they don't come home with Z.
It wasn't that we couldn't do it. It wasn't that I didn't WANT to do it. It was that I finally reached that point where I was just TIRED. I'm tired of waiting...I'm tired of discovering more "steps" that need to be done (of course, I knew all along that these steps were there)....I'm tired of paperwork....I'm tired of having "one more" obstacle in front of me before we can bring our boys home. I knew that these steps were always there; I knew that I had to do them, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm just tired.
I won't be with any of "my boys" for Christmas. I won't be with any of "my boys" to ring in the New Year. I'm feeling a little "grinch-y"...and lately I'm feeling a little cranky, too.
Luckily, I have a husband who is understanding; who coached me on how to breathe last night and who took on the mound of paperwork like a trooper. What would I do without him?