Thursday, September 4, 2008

Living in Limbo

I’ve struggled for a while now about whether or not to post this to the blog…but I’ve finally decided to put it out there. First, because this (regardless of the eventual outcome) is a part of adoption; it’s a real part of the adoption of our boys. Second, because I really need a place to talk about it.

Note 1: Our boys’ history is THEIR story. I will not be posting many details about their life in Ghana, their birth family situation, or the status of their birth parents on the blog. When the boys are older, they will know their story (as much of it as I know and can share with them), but that story will be theirs to share – not mine.

Note 2: This post is for Jenny…it should help to clear up the mystery of THIS POST and THIS POST. ;o)

Our boys have a little brother. We’ve known about the existence of this little boy for most of the time we’ve known about the boys. For whatever reason, the birth family member(s) who relinquished Jellybean and Peanut did not relinquish him at the same time (hmm…let’s just call him Twinkie for right now). Since the boys have come home, I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about Twinkie. I wonder how he is doing, I wonder if he has sickle cell like Jellybean. If he does have sickle cell, I wonder if he will be able to have access to medical care if/when he needs it. I wonder if he will grow up to look more like Jellybean, or more like Peanut. I wonder if his personality is more like Jellybean’s or Peanut’s. I wonder if he goes to bed hungry at night…I wonder what he does during the day. I wonder if he will have access to an education like his older brothers. I wonder, I wonder, I wonder.

This is an unfortunate reality for so many adoptive parents; wondering about those who are left behind for whatever reason. And it’s a reality for adoptees. Will Jellybean and Peanut feel happy that they left Ghana and were able to have access to more opportunities? Or will they feel guilty that they had more than their little brother? Since they remember their little brother, will they feel that someone is missing from their life?

All of these questions come and go. I think of Twinkie every day, but sometimes it is just in passing. Sometimes, though, these thoughts take over my mind for a while. Quite a while ago now, these thoughts started to take over…I was dreaming of him…and I was having those ‘pregnant’ dreams. Then I got a call from Anita with the news that the birth family had decided to relinquish Twinkie. He was coming to Eban House. We now had a MAJOR decision to make!

To be completely honest, I wasn’t sure HOW I felt about this new development. Z and I had just brought home the boys six months earlier. We were still getting used to being a family of 4. Adjustments have been hard at times…and the thought of adding one more small boy to the mix seemed totally overwhelming. At the same time, thinking about NOT adding Twinkie to our family if he is relinquished makes me feel tremendously sad. If Twinkie is anything like his older brothers, I know that he would add so much to our family. If he can’t be with his birth family, I want to have him here.

For a while, he was coming soon. Then extenuating circumstances caused a delay in his arrival at Eban House….and to this day he has not (yet) arrived. We think he is still coming….though we’ve decided we can’t make a final decision on our plan of action until he arrives. Nothing is for sure, after all.

I have to say honestly that I have moments of peace about the decision I *think* we are going to make. And other times I have moments of panic. Heading into another adoption at this point was never in *our* plans. Sure, maybe 5 years down the road or so…and then it was supposed to be to adopt a little girl. We aren’t in the best place to head down this road again; we’re still renting a place…we used up our savings to get Jellybean and Peanut home…and I’m still searching for that seemingly elusive full-time job.

I don’t know how this is all going to pan out in the end…but I do know that Twinkie is (and always will be) a part of our family…whether he is here with us or not.


Jenny said...

Hey, I totally get note #1. That's how I feel too. And thanks for writing up a whole post just for me so I can sleep at night!

Adoption is so complex, isn't it? All the emotions that go along with the life stories of our children. I know the possibility wasn't in your original plans, but aren't you glad plans can change sometimes?

I know no matter what happens, he is a part of your family. I hope the family in Ghana makes the decision they think is best for him, no matter what it is.

So many different thoughts on suddenly deciding to adopt baby brother, isn't there? It would be so exciting for the boys!

I've rambled long enough. I pray that they make the decisions they need to and that you all will be able to have peace about your decision.

Sarah Riedel said...

Another item that I'm sure you have thought about but didn't put down in writing is, is it 'right' not to keep the boys all together now that you know about him. We sure will welcome another addition to the family if/when it happens.....

Heather A. said...

Chanda, I'll be thinking about you and praying for the right things to fall into place at the right time. Siblings left behind is such a tough thing to handle. After we accepted M's referral, we found out she has several sibs still in Ghana, and one little sister that might still be adoptable. I think about that little sister all the time too. I wonder if she is as wonderful as M is. Anyway. . . just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you.

Blessings, Heather A

Heather said...


Oh the possibilities! It seems that once you are in the adoption 'world', there are always new possibilities!! We will keep you in our prayers, I know that you will have peace at the appointed time...
The Other Heather

Leslie said...

Oh do I every relate to this dilemma. I just posted this exact question to the Adoption Parenting yahoo group. G has an older brother and K has 2 older sisters, and I am so burdened by not knowing what is going on with them, or what to do... Praying for you.

ManyBlessings said...

Yep, these are the things you never realize will cross your mind when you enter the world of adoption.

Praying for all 3 boys and you guys too. :) You will do the right thing. I have no doubt of that. And God will bless it. You might not see it now, but He will.


Amalama said...

I am just getting caught up. I am glad you decided to share about this Chanda and I'll be praying for your family.