Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Loss

Today we learned that Twinkie, our boys' little brother, will not be joining our family after all.

To be honest, I've been trying to prepare my heart for this news for a while now. Something just seemed "off" with the situation for me...and something has been telling me not to get my hopes up. But the truth is, even with the preparation, it hurts. I ache to hold that little boy in my arms. I wanted so badly to see those 3 brothers playing and wrestling and sleeping all nestled in their beds. I could already see it in my mind and now I have to let it go.

Losing any child would be difficult, but Twinkie has a biological connection to our boys...a connection that we wanted our boys to keep intact.

Tonight we are confused about where we go from here. We are grieving the boy we never had...and are wondering what we do now. We've already started the adoption process...we've already paid a large sum of money. We can't just "replace" Twinkie with another child. The process to adopt Twinkie has been intense and stressful. Do we want to continue this process right now? Do we want to walk away and think about adopting again in a couple years?

The truth is, we wouldn't have started the adoption process again so soon if it hadn't been for Twinkie. The fact that it was a biological sibling we were pursuing made it easier for us to justify the debt we'd have to take on to bring him home. It made it easier for us to beg and borrow from friends and family...they would understand the need for us to keep this connection for our boys.

But now? Can we justify continuing the adoption process to bring another child home?

I don't know.

We're tired of the rollercoaster tonight. And we're confused. We thought we were following the right path.

We'd appreciate your prayers as we say good-bye to Twinkie and as we figure out where we go next.

11 comments:

A. Gillispie said...

My friend, I know you played a profound role in Twinkie's life--even if you don't get to know all of the good you did on this side of heaven. We know that his life benefited these last several months as you prayed for him. He is better for having your and Z's love. I know that love isn't going anywhere. I so wish that he could have known you as mommy and daddy. I hurt for you, and I hurt for Twinkie. Praying for you.
Anita

Kristin Jag said...

I am praying for you as you grieve. I am just so sorry that you have to go through this. You are an amazing woman!

Jen said...

Oh my goodness, I cam so sorry. I will keep you all in my prayers.

Jennine

Robin Dodd Photography said...

SO SO SORRY! I am praying for you and know that you will find the answer you need....

Robin

Robin Dodd Photography said...

SO SO SORRY! I am praying for you and know that you will find the answer you need....

Robin

Heather A. said...

Oh Chanda, I'm so heartbroken for you, Zack and all three boys. You've been on my mind and in my prayers so much lately, and I'll keep praying for your family here, and the boys family in Ghana. I'm also praying that your boys know how hard you fought to bring their little brother home and for you and Zack to find the guidance you need to move forward on on your true path.I'm so so sorry. Love and hugs my friend.

Jenny said...

Chanda, I'm so sorry. I know he will always be yours in your heart. I'm sure you all are heartbroken. I hope that you and Z are able to come to peace eventually.

Amy said...

Oh Chanda,

I am just so very sorry. There are no words. I will be praying for all of you and I wish it could have been different.

Much love,
Amy

Salzwedel Family said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know once you commit to a child they become yours in your heart and that the loss is very, very real. Praying for your family.

Leslie said...

I'm so sorry. I'm praying for you all, for Twinkie and for all those who love him.

Rachel said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. We've been thorough something similar and it is so very hard. I am praying for your hearts and for wisdom as you decide where to go next. I agree wtih Anita that Twinkie is very blessed to have your love. You will pray for him and care about him for his whole life - something he never would have had if you hadn't found out about him.