Today we learned that Twinkie, our boys' little brother, will not be joining our family after all.
To be honest, I've been trying to prepare my heart for this news for a while now. Something just seemed "off" with the situation for me...and something has been telling me not to get my hopes up. But the truth is, even with the preparation, it hurts. I ache to hold that little boy in my arms. I wanted so badly to see those 3 brothers playing and wrestling and sleeping all nestled in their beds. I could already see it in my mind and now I have to let it go.
Losing any child would be difficult, but Twinkie has a biological connection to our boys...a connection that we wanted our boys to keep intact.
Tonight we are confused about where we go from here. We are grieving the boy we never had...and are wondering what we do now. We've already started the adoption process...we've already paid a large sum of money. We can't just "replace" Twinkie with another child. The process to adopt Twinkie has been intense and stressful. Do we want to continue this process right now? Do we want to walk away and think about adopting again in a couple years?
The truth is, we wouldn't have started the adoption process again so soon if it hadn't been for Twinkie. The fact that it was a biological sibling we were pursuing made it easier for us to justify the debt we'd have to take on to bring him home. It made it easier for us to beg and borrow from friends and family...they would understand the need for us to keep this connection for our boys.
But now? Can we justify continuing the adoption process to bring another child home?
I don't know.
We're tired of the rollercoaster tonight. And we're confused. We thought we were following the right path.
We'd appreciate your prayers as we say good-bye to Twinkie and as we figure out where we go next.