Sunday, March 29, 2009

Uncertainty

Today was one of "those days". When you're in the midst of an emotional journey, some days are ok and others are tough. Today was a tough day...precipitated by the fact that I got two emails regarding the death of a certain little girl in an orphanage across the ocean. This little girl was special to us...important to us...an unoffical part of our family. Unfortunately, she wasn't officially a part of our family and so we are being told we can't find out anything about her or what caused her death. And the agency director was a bit "snippy" in her last email, which only makes me want to get defensive and really tell her what I actually think about this whole situation. I've restrained myself all weekend; mostly because I am sure that I would say something that I would eventually regret...and because I also know that it likely wouldn't do any good to speak my mind anyway.

This whole situation has made me feel less and less certain about our adoption plans. It isn't that I don't want to adopt again; I just am feeling less sure about adopting from Ghana again. Now I have to say before I launch into this discussion that we have been totally and utterly happy with our agency (AAI). They are doing great things in Ghana (and elsewhere)...they strive to do all the "right" things...and we know when we work with them that the focus of their energy is on the kids and doing what's right by them.

I can't say for sure what it is that's making me think Ghana might not be where child #3 is. It isn't that I don't love Ghana...because I do. Its just that I sort of feel like that door is closing inch-by-inch for us. Maybe things will change. And maybe I'm just in that fickle "I have no idea what we are doing" stage. I don't know.

But today I read this post by my friend Carolyn at Project HOPEFUL. And my first thought was "hmm...Eastern Europe...maybe we could do that..."

At this point there's no knowing where we'll end up, or if we'll end up taking the plunge to start another adoption process. But right now, there are infinite possibilities.

2 comments:

A. Gillispie said...

I am so, so sorry Chanda. I hate what has happened to the "children of your heart." I know you loved him and her so deeply. It isn't right. It isn't fair. And the fact that you're being given no chance for closure breaks my heart.

Don't feel bad if you are starting to feel like Ghana isn't where #3 is. There doesn't have to be a reason beyond just feeling that the Lord is calling you somewhere else!

Have you looked at AAI's Thailand program? There are HIV+ kiddos, fees are very low, and I think your family fits the bill as far as requirements go.

Anita

Heather A. said...

(((((HUGS)))))