Friday, June 5, 2009

Decisions

For the past month or so, I have been intentionally NOT thinking about adoption. With Z being gone, there isn't anything we can do about it anyway...so I haven't been thinking about it. I haven't been participating in the forums. I haven't been following the families in process much lately...and even though I know there are lots of new kiddos in care, I haven't gone online to look through their photos.

During this month that Z has been gone (so far), I haven't stopped thinking about child #3. Both Z and I know that our family isn't quite complete. We still have more love to give. We still have room for one more. We still feel like we have another child out there somewhere.

But sometimes when I think about adoption, I just feel weary.

I think that is why I've been thinking about having a biological child so much lately. There's the cute and cuddly infant involved. The adorable, TINY, clothes. The attachment issues fade away. The worry about whether or not my child will be discriminated against in our community fades away. The seemingly endless amounts of paperwork goes away. The process is more familiar (to our family members and friends), you know (about) when the process ends and when you get to hold your new baby. There are risks, sure...but they seem smaller. This option seems SAFE.

But, does it feel like its the RIGHT thing for us? I don't know. I think I could get pregnant and be happy. Yet, I don't know if I feel that way because its what is meant for us, or if its because I want things to be easier. Not that pregnancy and birth and rearing an infant are easy. But the process is different. It seems less risky...and it seems like the path of least resistance. Right now I. DON'T. WANT. RESISTANCE.

But maybe the path of least resistance is not meant to be my path.

So I'm back to thinking about adoption. Wondering where child #3 is. Wondering if a particular child might be our missing daughter. Wondering if I'm ready to take the leap. Wondering if I'm ready to head back in the direction of Ghana - where a part of our hearts are - where we will always have family. All the while feeling so tired of being wishy-washy for so long.

For those of you who are of the praying persuasion...we'd appreciate prayers for clarity and for a unified decision on our plans for child #3. We have to make a decision relatively soon...even if the decision is to simply wait.

***EDIT***
The above discussion about pregnancy and having a biological child is in no way meant to make it sound like getting pregnant and having a bio child are EASY. I have so many dear friends in the adoption community who have struggled with infertility...and I in no way want them to think that I view what they wanted so much to be easy. Z and I have never tried to have bio children. It wasn't where our hearts were...we entered into the world of adoption because we wanted to be parents, and we knew there were millions of children already in the world who needed what we had to offer.

3 comments:

eric said...

Hey, I totally know where you are coming from on this. Especially the part about avoiding forums and such. After we found out about the sibling, I went into this deep sadness and avoidance of all things adoption and Ghana. It just hurt even more to go there. We have also been talking about having another biological child here lately (this was always part of our plan). But, the thought of adopting again down the road (which is also in our plan) is a little worrisome after all of this. So, if you ever need to talk let me know.

In His Dust said...

Sorry, that was me not eric!

Heather A. said...

I totally get where you're coming from. Sometimes I wish that we could do things the "easy" way too. One of my good friends has three bio kids and each were conceived the first month of trying. I often wonder what it would be like to just let go and not worry for months on end about where, how, who, paying for it, courts, dossiers. . . . . Boy, do I ever wish there was a path of least resistance in adoption.

I can't wait to see what the future holds for you and Zack. Whatever you choose, it's an exciting journey.