I'm looking for it.
Lately I've been in a season of trial (this you know from the fact that this blog seems to have turned in to a space for venting all current adoption-related frustrations). It seems as though all we've been faced with so far in adoption #2 is frustration. We're losing hope, rapidly. We're questioning whether or not we're on the right path. We're wondering if we should jump ship before more frustrations present themselves. We're wondering if we should go back to researching more options. We're wondering if we should stick it out and HOPE that there is good news in the end. We're wondering if we should count our blessings and feel content that we have two wonderful boys, who we love like crazy (and who bring us amazing joy).
But, the truth is, no option feels like the right option. Our faith that things would work out has been tested over and over again in this process and its reached the point where our faith is failing us. We can't step out in faith when we have no faith left.
This adoption process started with such hope and excitement. Our boys' little brother would be joining them! They would all be able to grow up together in the same family!!
Then things took far longer than expected.
We asked that our homestudy be approved for 2, because the boys also had a baby sister...we thought JUST IN CASE she is relinquished by the birth family, we wanted to be ready.
Eventually we find out baby sister has died. In another orphanage. Another family had legally adopted her. The agency director who facilitated the adoption refuses to provide us with any information about her (including how she died or simply providing us some photos of her for her big brothers to have some day). The agency director was rude, mean, and down-right insensitive.
We were devastated.
As a result of baby girl's death, little brother was taken out of the orphanage by the birth family. Who can blame them? The problem? We already love little brother. The other problem? Little brother is sick. If little brother doesn't get medical care, he will die. We can't help but feel like he's been handed a death sentence by being removed from care. We can't blame the birth family for doing it...but the whole situation stinks.
Again, we were devastated.
We agonized over what to do next. We put the process on hold while we contemplated lots of options (ending the process where we were, going the route of trying for a biological child, researching other international adoption programs and agencies, domestic adoption, foster adoption). In the end, we decided we wanted to adopt from Ghana again. A myriad of reasons...but that was our decision.
The same day we made the decision, we learned about a little girl who eventually captured our hearts. We love her. We want the best for her. But she's complicated. There are details that need to be worked out - lots of details. We're praying about it. We're working on the details. But every piece of potential good news is met by an equal piece of discouraging news. Every time. Our families aren't necessarily supportive of our desire to add this particular child to our family. They have concerns. They have valid concerns.
I think we are letting her go. Unless there's some amazing intervention allowing us to bring her into our family, we're letting her go.
Again, we're devastated.
And now what? We feel drained. We feel damaged. We feel hurt and beaten. We simply feel exhausted.
And every option from here feels like a bad option. Looking into other programs and other agencies? Nope - don't have the energy left to do it.
Ending the process right here where we are? Then all of this would have been for nothing. I cannot believe that all of this pain and heartache (and expense) has been for nothing. We want another child...there are MILLIONS waiting. Surely, something HAS to work out sometime.
Continuing on the same path...waiting for a referral of the perfect child from Ghana? It sounds exhausting. The wait will be long. It seems crazy to wait and wait and wait for the perfect child from Ghana when there are so many children waiting elsewhere for a family. But I just don't feel like I have it in me to start all over with another agency and another program.
So we'll wait. Until we simply cannot do it anymore. And then we'll re-evaluate.