Friday, August 21, 2009

Silver Lining?

I'm looking for it.

Lately I've been in a season of trial (this you know from the fact that this blog seems to have turned in to a space for venting all current adoption-related frustrations). It seems as though all we've been faced with so far in adoption #2 is frustration. We're losing hope, rapidly. We're questioning whether or not we're on the right path. We're wondering if we should jump ship before more frustrations present themselves. We're wondering if we should go back to researching more options. We're wondering if we should stick it out and HOPE that there is good news in the end. We're wondering if we should count our blessings and feel content that we have two wonderful boys, who we love like crazy (and who bring us amazing joy).

But, the truth is, no option feels like the right option. Our faith that things would work out has been tested over and over again in this process and its reached the point where our faith is failing us. We can't step out in faith when we have no faith left.

This adoption process started with such hope and excitement. Our boys' little brother would be joining them! They would all be able to grow up together in the same family!!

Then things took far longer than expected.

We asked that our homestudy be approved for 2, because the boys also had a baby sister...we thought JUST IN CASE she is relinquished by the birth family, we wanted to be ready.

Eventually we find out baby sister has died. In another orphanage. Another family had legally adopted her. The agency director who facilitated the adoption refuses to provide us with any information about her (including how she died or simply providing us some photos of her for her big brothers to have some day). The agency director was rude, mean, and down-right insensitive.

We were devastated.

As a result of baby girl's death, little brother was taken out of the orphanage by the birth family. Who can blame them? The problem? We already love little brother. The other problem? Little brother is sick. If little brother doesn't get medical care, he will die. We can't help but feel like he's been handed a death sentence by being removed from care. We can't blame the birth family for doing it...but the whole situation stinks.

Again, we were devastated.

We agonized over what to do next. We put the process on hold while we contemplated lots of options (ending the process where we were, going the route of trying for a biological child, researching other international adoption programs and agencies, domestic adoption, foster adoption). In the end, we decided we wanted to adopt from Ghana again. A myriad of reasons...but that was our decision.

The same day we made the decision, we learned about a little girl who eventually captured our hearts. We love her. We want the best for her. But she's complicated. There are details that need to be worked out - lots of details. We're praying about it. We're working on the details. But every piece of potential good news is met by an equal piece of discouraging news. Every time. Our families aren't necessarily supportive of our desire to add this particular child to our family. They have concerns. They have valid concerns.

I think we are letting her go. Unless there's some amazing intervention allowing us to bring her into our family, we're letting her go.

Again, we're devastated.

And now what? We feel drained. We feel damaged. We feel hurt and beaten. We simply feel exhausted.

And every option from here feels like a bad option. Looking into other programs and other agencies? Nope - don't have the energy left to do it.

Ending the process right here where we are? Then all of this would have been for nothing. I cannot believe that all of this pain and heartache (and expense) has been for nothing. We want another child...there are MILLIONS waiting. Surely, something HAS to work out sometime.

Continuing on the same path...waiting for a referral of the perfect child from Ghana? It sounds exhausting. The wait will be long. It seems crazy to wait and wait and wait for the perfect child from Ghana when there are so many children waiting elsewhere for a family. But I just don't feel like I have it in me to start all over with another agency and another program.

So we'll wait. Until we simply cannot do it anymore. And then we'll re-evaluate.


Joy said...

Hi there. Thanks for sharing. We're in a different, but similar situation where what seemed like wonderful opportunities have not transpired, and have actually brought quite a bit of drama and more barriers as program and agency issues came to a head this summer. We are still hoping that some of these events may lead to better things than we were initially heading for, but it does get tiring. And yes, so many seems it should work out somehow. Praying for hope & exciting outcomes!

Brendan and Mary said...

We're in Canada and we were also planning on adopting from Ghana. I am so sorry to hear how much you have suffered in your adoption journey. There are no words that can make it better of course, but know that you're not alone.

Take care,


Momto14 said...

With each of our adoptions there has been some HUGE hurdle that needs to be overcome. A big fat long massive painful labor that seems unending at times.
I have been waiting for three years for my son to come home from Haiti. There have been several occasions where it has been presented that we walk away. That we give up. If we had done so we would forever- each day- wonder how life would be had we just been more patient in the wait for him. And we knew we had to forge ahead.
If you will think of this little girl each day and wonder how your life would have looked with her in it- and you feel empty because of her not being a part of your family- maybe its NOT the time to walk away.
I'm just sayin....

Amy said...

Oh Chanda,

I got tears in my eyes reading the details of the loss of the boy's sister and also your family losing their brother... I knew that part, but not the details. How incredibly difficult. It is no wonder you feel discouraged. And then to step out again with another child on your heart and have that feel like another halt? It is so much to bear.

But other words I hear from you are that you do want another child, so you must press on in that direction. What avenue to take though? Hard to say, but maybe the reason you don't have the energy to make a change is because you are not supposed to change direction?

I know you are frustrated, tired, and want it to be right right now, but once it does work out you will know the reason why it took so long and so much heartache. It will be because you were meant to parent whatever child (or children) come to your family. I know that is hard to see and believe now, but I believe it to be very true.

When we lost E & G it hurt so much, though losing your children's siblings is much more difficult I fully acknowledge, but once my 3 were home I totally knew why it had to happen. There was no other path to them. I do believe that you will feel the same once you have your child with you.

I am so sorry for your struggles and pain. You are such a wonderful person, full of love and generosity. I wish I could give you a hug (and some chocolate) right now. I'll be praying for you...


Heather A. said...

It must have been absolutely devastating to learn that the boys sister had died. Please accept my condolences.

I'm sure some consider this a great test of your faith, something to be endured and overcome. And I'm sure there are others that consider these signs that it's time to move on. But all that REALLY matters is how you and Z feel and what you want. However you decide to proceed. . . it's the right decision for your family at this time.

Sending a great big cyber hug out to you.

FullPlateMom said...

Are you looking for a specific age? Girl for sure, or another boy? I would love to talk to you about the kids I met at Lucky Hill, but the process is no less exhausting than what you have already endured. Last Christmas, we were where you are now. We lost our little boy through an equally awful experience with Ethiopia. It is horrible. It shouldn't EVER have to happen.

You can check my blog. We just brought home the most amazing 2 year old girl from Ghana. It was hard, but our domestic adoptions were just as challenging. We have a 7 and 5 year old waiting for us over there now as well.

Praying for you,