This is going to be a mish-mash of a post, but that's kind of where I am right now.
First, things at our house are just never dull these days. In fact, it seems as though we've just been inundated with icky stuff to deal with lately. First it was the mystery rash, then the communication issues with a Kindergarten teacher, and this week I discovered that a certain (really hairy) fur-kid has the dreaded flea. Ugh. In a house with lots of fur-kids, fleas are a MAJOR problem. Our pets get lots of people attention, so I hope that we caught them early. Only one fur-kid has fleas (or evidence of fleas), but EVERYBODY got treated just the same. And last night we did a top-to-bottom cleaning of the house in hopes of stopping the invasion right where it was. I'm praying this is the last we see of fleas. Its yucky. And embarrassing. Ugh. Our neighbors have pigeons...I'm pretty sure that's the source of our flea problem.
The "Kindergarten Issue". We've determined that the Kindergarten teacher is probably very annoyed with us at this point. We don't really care about that so much...but we've decided that now that we've told the teacher what our issue is and what our expectation is (that she start communicating with us more effectively) that we will give it a couple weeks to see if things start improving. They improved a bit last week...so we'll see how long it lasts. If it doesn't get better or if it gets better and then gets worse again, we're going to bring in the Principal and hash things out until we are more happy with the situation. I honestly don't think this teacher is a "bad teacher". I just don't think that she using the "right" strategy for our Peanut. Hopefully things get better and stay better.
Adoption news. Nope - there's no news. (Ok...its not COMPLETELY true that there's NO adoption news. We recently got our I-600a approval, so there has been some news). I'm struggling a bit with how I feel about the lack of news. I don't really EXPECT news at this point...but I also really wish there was something to report. We've been at this for so long, it feels like there should be SOMETHING. I hesitate a bit to put this in writing, but I am getting to a place where I no longer BELIEVE this adoption is going to happen at all. And even if it were to happen, my idea of "the perfect child" for our family right now is changing. On paper, we are requesting a child under 5. We've told our adoption coordinator we'd like a girl under 5. But the truth is...my heart is really longing for a baby. I know that this is very likely the child that will complete our family. Z has always wanted 3 kids. I've always wanted 3 or 4 kids. I'm not sure that Z will ever want the 4th child. Maybe. We are approved to adopt 2 kids (in the event there is a sibling pair that captures our hearts), but we are both hoping a single child is who captures our hearts this time around. But all of that means that this next child might be my last chance to have a baby. I've never really felt that pull before...but lately, my heart just longs for all things little. I don't know what that means in terms of our adoption. Do we switch to a program where babies are available? I don't know. I'm honestly really tired of thinking and rethinking and overthinking everything in terms of our adoption process. I'd really just love it at this point if "THE ANSWER" just fell into our laps. Unlikely, I know.
The internet. I've been cutting down the amount of time I spend online lately. I don't visit the online groups that I am a part of as much...I don't spend as much time reading every email that gets sent from yahoo forums I'm on...I don't spend as much time blogging...I don't spend as much time "playing" online as I used to. It just got to the point where things were getting too hard for me. It was too hard for me to be reading about other people's good adoption news - that terrible jealousy bug bites hard sometimes. It was too difficult and scary to read about other people's bad adoption experiences. It was getting to the point where I was spending so much time dwelling on that "stuff" that I didn't have the time I needed to do things that help renew my spirit. So I shut the computer off.
I've been spending more time with my family - and actually being PRESENT (instead of my mind being somewhere else). I started trying to teach myself how to crochet (just because I didn't know how). I think I have the very basic stitches worked out, but I am clearly missing a stitch every time I change direction, because what I am working on is looking more like a triangle than a square - but I don't really care at this point. I'm just doing it for fun. I'm sure I'll figure out the problem and be off and running. I went up into my sewing room and actually started sewing. Over the weekend I started a quilt and got about 1/2 of the quilt top done in one day. It was HEAVEN. It made me feel so wonderful to just get started again. I just pray that I someday have a little girl to wrap in the purple and green quilt.
But, I guess that is all to say that if you don't hear from me all that much in this space, that is why. I'm still here. I still read the important things. I still get the gist of what's going on in my yahoo groups...I just am not putting in the time and energy that I used to. It was/is just too hard. Maybe someday I will be able to read about other people's adoption journeys and have their news not affect my mood regarding our adoption journey. But right now, its just too difficult to compartmentalize.