Wednesday, February 3, 2010

My Mama always said...

"If you don't have anything nice to say then you shouldn't say anything at all."

I guess that has been about where I've been lately. Stuck in a place where I have nothing good to say. Stuck in a place where I've got a lot going on, where I've got a lot that I could say, but feeling like I don't really have anything worthwhile to talk about.

Adoption stuff? We're stuck. Stuck in a place where we keep waffling back and forth about what we should do. On paper, completing another adoption right now does not look like a good idea. We've got repair projects on our home looming...projects that will quickly suck up any "extra" money that we have. Projects that really cannot be postponed any longer. Once the weather warms up, we HAVE to fix the roof on the garage and we HAVE to replace some flooring in our home.

But, if we end the adoption process now, we've wasted about $8000 in the past year...preparing for an adoption that will never take place.

We know our family isn't "complete" just yet...but we aren't sure where to go.

Over the past several months I've had several people in the adoption community tell me to simply "trust" that the financial stuff will work out. "Take the leap of faith" they say. "In the end it will all work out." I always just nod my head, or email back and say "Thanks". But the reality is, I just want to scream at them (I know, very sensible. I restrained myself). Really? Take a leap of faith? I have already invested an immeasurable amount of emotion (and sanity) in this process. I've reached the point where I simply cannot do any more. Either the answer has to fall out of the sky without me doing any effort, or I'm done. I have no more. My cynicism and pessimism have taken over. I know those same people who told me to "take the leap of faith" would tell me that this only means I have to work harder, pray harder, stretch my faith further. But I simply don't have it in me. And hearing "have more faith" only makes me angry. Harsh, I know...but its my truth. I can't sugar-coat it anymore.

Over the past few months, we've endured an incredibly disappointing experience. We thought we could recover and continue, but maybe we should have just quit at that point and taken the time to grieve. I thought we could move on and see another little face and fall in love. the recent past we've been told about two little boys (both of whom are absolutely PERFECT) and we couldn't do it. We wanted to be able to say "yes", but the details got in the way. To be completely honest, the reasons we said no are mostly financial...yet I hid behind the "I want a girl" excuse. What are we going to do when the PERFECT little girl is presented to us and we still have those financial doubts? I won't be able to hide behind a flimsy excuse anymore.

And then there's the complication of THE ARMY. Z got a promotion a while back, which is wonderful. But, it means he has to go away for training. This fall, he will be gone for 4 months for training. I know that this means that if we were to seriously pursue an adoption at this point, there is the possibility that the child would come home just before (or during) that 4 month period. The transition period when a child first comes home is HARD. For everyone in the family. I REALLY don't want to handle that all by myself (and work full-time, and take care of all the other responsibilities to run our household).

All of this is so disappointing. This is definitely NOT where we wanted to be at this point. A year ago, we thought we were headed in the right direction. And then things fell apart. We are approaching that "falling apart" anniversary (the week of my birthday) here in a couple of weeks. Bummer.

I don't know if anyone bothers to check in here anymore, since I haven't written in ages. Hopefully soon we will be able to make a decision about our adoption plans. We'll either figure out a way to go forward...and the excitement will come back. Or we'll decide to end our journey...the weight of the decision will be lifted...and we'll move on to sharing how thankful we are for the very many things we have to be thankful for. 'Cause there are VERY many reasons for us to be thankful.


Joy said...

Such a difficult spot to be in. There's nothing wrong with considering the realities of finances, and projects, and family circumstances when figuring out what to do - for sure! I just know it can seem nearly impossible to draw wisdom from all those factors to take action one way or another. I have definitely been considering the "meaning" of various events that have changed our adoption journey substantially, and waiting for that strikingly clear sign about what to do next...when nothing feels like the right answer, and you start to wonder what you even want in the end. Thanks for sharing, and praying that clarity and open doors show themselves soon.

Renee said...

Praying Chanda! Think of you often!

Kristin Jag said...

Sorry you are hurting. I hope it helped to get the words out there on the blog.

Thinking of you as you make the hard decisions. I pray whatever the decision is, it just falls in your lap and that you have peace with it.

Heather A. said...

I've missed you in the bloggy world, but so sorry that you've had such a crappy journey lately. You, Z and the boys are in my thoughts.

Kristy Joel said...

I came across you blog tonight and wanted to encourage you. We are in the final process of our adoption. (I hope) we started this process in November of 08 and still our son is not home. Many set backs and longer than they thought time lines. Anyway like you my husband is in the Military and is due to deploy in Aug for 6 months. Between now and then he is gone 109 days I wanted nothing more than to bring our son home and have time for them to bond but as hard as I pushed it does not seem like it may happen. I can only trust that it is in God's hands. We didn't have the money but trusted and every time we needed more it came, we got a refund we were not expecting the navy moved us and ripped our couch and paid to fix it and instead I left it ripped and put the money for our adoption. Anyway my encouragement is you can do it and God will provide you with what you need. Yes easier said than done. Thank you for allow me to read about your adoption.

Sarah Riedel said...

Don't know if we can be of help in any way, but be sure to let us know. Yes, I still check your blogs all the time! It is a neat way to keep up with you guys. SArah