Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Moving On...

We quit.

I haven't posted about our adoption journey in ages, even though we made the decision several weeks ago. Its been hard to accept that this terrible year of rollercoaster riding has ended with us simply quitting. But that is our reality.

Part of me still lives in this fantasy world where we learn about a child who needs us...things happen fast...we have our child #3 in record time...and our homestudy doesn't simply expire, proving that it was a waste of time, energy, and money.

Its ludicrous, I know.

I'm working hard at moving on.

I've been making time to do things that make me happy. I've been quilting. We've been working on spending more time together as a family, fostering our relationships with each other. We've been enjoying watching the boys learn more and more every day and seeing more of their individual personalities shine through. Its amazing just how much you miss when you have so much emotional energy wrapped up in an adoption process. Its draining. When things are going well, it can be amazing and wonderful...but when things are not going well it is an absolute energy suck.

We had just reached the place where we had no energy left. We had become numb, and that's when we knew it had to be over. Its important to note here that us quitting was really no one's fault. As far as we know, we didn't do anything wrong. We followed the road we thought we were supposed to follow. Apparently things don't work out because you think they are supposed to...or because you pray that they will...or because you "feel" that this is the right path. We were wrong about that. But our situation isn't our agency's fault either. They didn't do anything wrong. Our adoption coordinator didn't do anything wrong.

Things just didn't work out.

So now we're moving on.

But we've got fun things to look forward to this summer. We're going to make the most of it. And hopefully at the end of the summer we'll be able to look back and remember all the fun we packed into those short months...and we'll know that we rocked it out!


Megan said...

Praying you make some great memories with your family this summer, that God fills you with His joy, His presence and His peace, and that you are refreshed from the long journey of waiting and wondering.

Selfishly I hope that you make it home at the same time that I'll be in the area or that we can plan a time to get together while you are on your way. I would love to see you.

I have been thinking about you lots and wondering where your journey had brought you. Hugs to you today!

Heather A. said...

So sorry to hear this my friend, but I know exactly where you're coming from. I'm to the point of being empty myself. You can only hope and pray for so long before reality comes creeping in. Praying for the healing to come.