Jellybean And Peanut

The Un-Fun Stuff, Part Two

2011-04-29T20:52:00.001-07:00

(I have to preface this by saying that I normally wouldn't post such personal details about the boys' lives online...but over the past few weeks I've been thinking about this issue and realized that perhaps other kids and parents are dealing with similar issues. Maybe this story will help other parents know to watch out for this sort of thing)

This post is a continuation of THIS POST.

After the boys finished with school and headed off to their after-school program, I got a phone call that Jellybean wasn't feeling well...So I headed off to pick him up and go home. He said his tummy hurt and I didn't think too much about it. Then Z asked him if he had eaten anything weird that day. Jellybean was quiet. So, I repeated the question and asked if he had eaten anything weird outside while he was at recess. Now...this is not a question we usually ask. In fact, it isn't something that even occurred to me to ask. But, that afternoon we learned that Jellybean had been eating sand while he was outside on the playground at school.

This discovery totally threw me for a loop. I wasn't expecting it. I had NEVER seen him do it (I still haven't). It had never occurred to me that I should tell the boys not to eat sand. So I asked him some additional questions about it. Why does he eat sand? When does he eat sand? What is it about sand that he likes to eat? Does he do this often? It turns out he likes the taste of sand...and he eats it when he's hungry at school and doesn't have anything else to eat.

Ugh.

Why is it he doesn't know he can just ask a grown-up for food when he's hungry? It made me feel like the worst mom in the world that my kid was so hungry he felt like he needed to eat sand to feel better. So we had a talk about it. We explained that sand is not food. It isn't healthy to eat it. It can make you sick. And if he is hungry, he just has to ask a grown-up for food. I explained I would take him shopping to find food that he wants to eat to put in his lunchbox to make his lunch bigger. And I would let him pick out snacks to take to school to give to his teacher so that whenever he is hungry he just has to tell her and she will let him have some of his snacks. I also made sure to let him know that I would talk with his after-school program teachers to let them know that all he has to do is ask for a snack and they will get him one.

Now, I know in my head that this is not "my fault". And I know that it is likely just as much of a psychological issue for him as it is a physical one. He says he's "always" eaten sand "sometimes". I know that it is possible that it is something he did while he was in Ghana truly suffering from malnutrition. Perhaps eating sand then provided him with some comfort...so when he feels hungry now, his first impulse is to eat some sand to satiate the hunger a bit and get some comfort. Of course, I don't know that for sure. And it doesn't make me feel all that much better to think that.

But now the issue is out in the open with us (and his teachers at school), so everyone is watching for it...and he now knows he has lots of grown-ups to talk to if he feels hungry. And he knows all of them will help him find a snack to eat to make him feel better. I hope this issue is an issue of the past now...but we'll have to wait and see.

Anyway, the tummy-ache now made total sense...and I started to worry that we had to deal with a more troublesome medical issue like a blockage of some sort. So, I made some phone calls and came to the conclusion that we needed to help him get things "moving". A trip to the pharmacy to get some milk of magnesia, prunes, and applesauce should do the trick. And it did.

We thought we were in the clear and we sent Jellybean to bed for the night. But by then I was exhausted emotionally. The whole evening had just thrown me and I was trying to sort some things out. I felt awful about the whole situation. How could a kid be so hungry that he feels he needs to eat sand? We have SO MUCH FOOD at our house (seriously), how could he think that he didn't have access to food to eat? Whenever he's home and he says he's hungry, we get him something to eat. How could this be happening? How could I not have known about it?

Ugh and Ugh.

But...that also wasn't the end of our night. Two hours after he went up to bed, I heard him get up and call for me. So, I went to check on him to find him sobbing and clutching his chest. He said his chest hurt...and then started crying harder. I brought him downstairs to check him out a little better (and so he didn't wake Peanut). I couldn't find anything obvious that could be causing the pain. But I also didn't know if it was related to the earlier issue or something else. The fact that it was his chest made me really worry. And the fact that he seemed to be having trouble breathing worried me even more.

Earlier in the evening, our dryer broke (it was a REALLY bad night), so Z had to run to the laundromat with a wet load of laundry to get it dry. I knew that he was going to be getting home any minute, but waiting for him was tough. I couldn't leave Peanut alone to run Jellybean to the ER...so I just started getting Jellybean's coat and shoes on so that as soon as Z got home we could leave. Just as I was zipping his coat, Z walked in and I explained what was going on. He handed me the laundry and I handed him Jellybean and off they went.

That night, Jellybean was admitted to the hospital for the first time. The diagnosis was sickle cell pain crisis. It was just in a new location for him...and a scary one. And the pain was more intense than anything he had dealt with before. But, after a night with IV fluids and pain meds he was back to his normal self. It was a scary night...but it all ended ok. And (as bad as this sounds), the timing worked out pretty great. Since we had just found out about the sand-eating and we didn't know if the pain could in some way be related to that, we made sure the doctors knew about it and could talk with him about it while he was in the ER. Hopefully getting an earful about it from the doctor will make him think twice about eating it again!

I have some ideas about what triggered this pain crisis. In my gut, I am sure it is related to the lack of sleep from the sleep study the night before. And I am sure it is also possible it had something to do with the anxiety he had about the sleep study and about revealing his "secret" to us. Its hard to know for sure, of course.

That was the first hospitalization. We've since had another one...but that story can wait for the next post.

The Un-Fun Stuff, Part One

2011-04-29T19:52:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple of months, we've had some un-fun stuff to deal with. Don't get me wrong, we've had some really fun things going on, too...but for at least the past couple of months the un-fun stuff is what is sticking with me.

After Jellybean and Peanut came home, we learned that Jellybean had sickle cell disease. It wouldn't have mattered to us had we learned about it before the boys came home, but it came as a bit of a surprise to learn it after they had arrived home. But, for the past 3 years Jellybean's sickle cell took a backseat in our lives. Jellybean had VERY few pain episodes and they were all relatively easy to treat (just over-the-counter pain meds and lots of water and he was good to go in a day or two).

All that changed at the beginning of March.

Because of some sort-of related issues with Jellybean, we decided (with his doctors) that it was necessary for him to have a sleep study done to help us determine whether or not Jellybean needs to have surgery to get his tonsils and adenoids taken out. After lots of run-around with the sleep center, we finally got an appointment made. They wanted him to come in about an hour before his regular bedtime so that he could get used to the place and get all hooked up before his bedtime. They said it took about 40 minutes to get him all hooked up.

When we arrived the sleep technician was all excited to tell us she had already turned on The Disney Channel in our room so Jellybean could watch TV while he got hooked up. Now, I don't mind him watching some TV...but I also know that if there is a TV on in any room, Jellybean gets completely transfixed by it and absorbed in it. Once he gets into something, it is hard for him to sleep. But, I decided to let the TV stay on to keep him distracted from all the wires the tech was putting on him.

The TV was not our problem, however.

The problem was that the tech would hook up an electrode or two and then leave. A few minutes later she'd be back to hook up an electrode or two and then leave again. The 40-minute prep time for the sleep study turned in to a two and a half hour prep time. We didn't turn off the lights in our room until nearly 10pm!! If I had known it was going to take so long, I would have insisted we arrive earlier! I had to stay with Jellybean during the sleep study, but I had to sleep on the recliner in the room...not exactly comfortable sleeping arrangements for me. But, I can deal. The next problem was that the tech kept coming into the room, waking me (and Jellybean) up for random things. Then, she came in around 4:00am to ask me if I wanted her to wake us up at 5:00am. What?!?! Why on earth would I want her to wake us up at 5:00am? Jellybean requires LOTS of sleep...he had already lost nearly 2 hours of sleep because he got to bed late...I definitely did not want him to lose even more by getting up so early the next morning. So, I told her to wait until 6:30 to wake us up.

We finished the sleep study and headed off on our merry way the next morning. Of course, I was pretty unhappy with the tech and how the study was conducted, but it was over and there wasn't anything I could do about it (except complain to the doctor when we saw her to talk about results - which I definitely did).

But, that night we had an entirely new issue to deal with. Part 2 coming up next....

Eagle Cam

2011-04-11T17:51:00.000-07:00

Have you all been watching this? We LOVE the Eagle Cam at our house...it is so much fun to watch the eagles taking care of their young. The boys' classrooms are watching the eagle cam and making journal entries as well.

I've been keeping the eagle cam on live streaming when we are at home and we just watch for a bit when we happen to be walking by the computer or sitting down for a bit nearby.

Enjoy!

Live TV : Ustream

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T14:48:00.000-08:00

I've been more than a bit absent from the blog life these past few months. It isn't because we haven't had interesting things happen, or because anything is wrong...we've just been busy and updating the blog has pretty much fallen to the way-side.

The biggest event of the past few months was that Z was away from home for military officer's training for 4 months (August through November). This meant that it was just me and the boys managing things at home. We managed just fine, but life was admittedly busier than normal (and we were all a little more emotional and stressed than normal, too). During those 4 months that Z was away, our town flooded (and we had some water in the basement - though nothing compared to some), I had to deal with plumbing issues two weekends in a row (not flooding related), I got to know the elementary school counselor (the boys had their moments of tough transition to Z's absence - though things were certainly not THAT bad), and Z spent 3 days in the burn unit of a hospital in Virginia because he managed to burn himself in a kitchen grease fire (boy are we blessed that it wasn't worse than it was!!). He's fine, though a little more leery in the kitchen.

We are all very relieved and very happy to have Z back home safe and sound. This holiday season was extra special to all of us after his absence. Even though we were stuck at home because of the weather up north, it was great to have the four of us all together for several days where no one had to go to work or school.

For some reason, I decided this would be a good year to do "Handmade Holidays" and try to give mostly hand-made gifts. I made a quilt for both Peanut and Jellybean...and I made several other crafty (and quilty) gifts for other people on our holiday list (though I can't give specifics since most gifts haven't reached the recipient yet - darn the weather). The decision to give handmade gifts meant that I was extra busy in the weeks leading up to Christmas. In fact, I was sewing the binding on the boy's quilts on Christmas Eve morning. Talk about cutting it close! Thankfully the boys both love their quilts (Peanut's is castle themed, and Jellybean's was made with all Ghanaian fabrics). They've been dragging them downstairs daily to snuggle under.

Our Christmas was a quiet one. We spent the Christmas weekend at home with plans to head up to MN for New Year's Eve. Unfortunately, the weather in MN got a little too treacherous, so we ended up staying at home this weekend, too. We are still having fun, though. There's been lots of game-playing, movie watching, and good food eating going on around here. We miss seeing our families, though...and hope that we can plan something soon!

Here's a few photos from our Christmas!
One of our family traditions for Christmas is that we all get to open one present on Christmas Eve - a new pair of pajama's. These are Z's new jammies...
Jellybean's new Ghanaian fabric quilt.
Peanut's new castle-themed quilt. You can't see the fabric very closely, but it is called "Castle Peeps" and it is really cute.
A rousing game of Jenga on Christmas day...we couldn't believe it hadn't fallen over yet!

Baloo wanted to snuggle with the boys' new quilts, too.

Random Photos

2010-09-19T18:27:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple random photos from this week. Jellybean finally finished the Lego creation he's been working on. Z and I got him this for his birthday and he is VERY proud that he did it ALL.BY.HIMSELF. Of course, it got broken seconds after I took this picture, but he did really well and put it back together (instead of getting really upset about it). I think he's had to "fix" it several times already just today.

This next one is of a quilt I'm working on for Jellybean's Christmas present. I think I figured that I have 7 quilts to make in the next couple of months for the holidays (and for new babies), so I'm steadily trying to work through them all. This one will be Jellybean's new quilt. It's cool, right? It is all Ghanaian fabric (and I'm happy to report that I still have a pretty substantial stash, even after cutting these big blocks). I am still trying to decide whether or not to add a couple of borders, or leave it as it is. I'm kind of liking the big blocks as it is, but we'll see. Hopefully he likes it, too. (you can click the photo to make it bigger and see it a little better)

And this last one is of the resident "big fat toad" that lives in the herb garden right outside our back door. He comes out onto the patio after warm rains and eats his fill of bugs and worms. But, I think for the most part he just hangs out in my herb garden. The dogs are always confused by him...they sniff him...lick him...and then keep on walking. Silly thing.

Let's go sailing...

2010-09-13T17:53:00.000-07:00

I am a little late in posting this, but the day was so much fun it would be a shame not to post them. A couple of weeks ago, my boss and her husband invited the boys and I to go sailing with them on their sailboat for a day. Of course, I can't say no to a fun new activity like that so off we went to go sailing!

Here are a few pictures of our day. The boys had a ton of fun exploring the sailboat, being the captain, playing pirates, and practically giving their mom a panic attack due to their general craziness and willingness to go way too close to the edge of the boat without holding on to something...

Apparently sailing is tiring...

And the School Year Begins

2010-09-04T19:36:00.001-07:00

The school year began here on Wednesday. I was a little worried about how the first day would go, considering neither one of the boys seemed to be all that excited about going back. They weren't not excited either...they just didn't seem overly enthused one way or the other.

Thankfully that changed Monday evening when we had "Back to School" night at the school. The boys delivered their school supplies, met their new classmates, and spent some time saying hello to their teachers. After Monday evening, they were ready (and excited) about going back to school.

Jellybean has the same teacher he had last year (we have the boys enrolled in the "Multi-age" program here, so they have the same teacher two years in a row). Peanut has a new teacher this year (Multi-age starts after Kindergarten, so he'll have his current teacher for 2 years now). Thankfully, I think she's going to be a great fit for him. A HUGE improvement from last year (the parental units in this family kind of butted heads with the Kinder teacher last year).

Here are my super handsome boys on the first day of school.

Don't they just look all grown up? Sniff...

The boys seem to have had a great first three days of school. They like their teachers a lot, they are doing well, and they have come home with lots of fun stories to tell. Jellybean has been coming home excited to tell me he did his math and writing all right!! And Peanut reports that he has been doing a good job keeping on task. Considering the fact that last year we had a note sent home from the teacher on the first day of school for bad behavior, I'm calling this year's start to the school year a success!

Weather

2010-08-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been terrible weather-wise. Its been HOT and HUMID all day long...and then rainy and stormy at night. In the past 3 nights we've had more than 10 inches of rainfall. That means today Ames, IA is flooded. Seriously flooded. Evacuations, sand-bags, closed roads and buildings, etc. Flooded. And to top it off, we are in an excessive heat warning until tomorrow night. Today and tomorrow we are expected to have unusually high temperatures and a heat index of 105-110 degrees.

In a word this weather SUCKS.

I spent an hour and a half this morning trying to get to Ames. An hour and a half wasted, since I never got to where I wanted to go. Every route was closed. Luckily today is my day off of work, but tomorrow I am not sure I'll be able to get there.

I was feeling kind of sorry for myself this morning when I woke up since we had been without electricity for several hours last night and there was some water in the basement that needed cleaning up. Then I tried to drive to Ames and realized that many people are much worse off. Hilton Coliseum has 4ft of water in it (and its still coming in)...Hwy 30, Interstate 35, Lincoln Way, Hwy 69, and many many other streets in Ames are closed.

The boys told me this morning during our unproductive trip to town that "Today is not a good day to go for a drive, Mommy."
I guess I'll just stay home...

Images from Ames Tribune

8-9-10

2010-08-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

Today was Jellybean's birthday!! I cannot believe that he is 8 years old! We actually celebrated his birthday on Friday evening, since Z was going to be out of town for the actual day. But...we packed in some fun activities for the weekend. A trip to the theater to see Despicable Me (which the boys thought was AWESOME!!), and a friend's birthday party at the bowling alley/arcade on Sunday. What is it about little boys and the arcade? I swear they could spend ALL DAY in there!

This morning, Peanut and I sang a silly version of "Happy Birthday" to Jellybean. He thought we were nuts, but it was fun.

Can you believe how grown-up Jellybean looks now? Its crazy. He got glasses this past week and is getting used to wearing them so he's ready to wear them everyday at school. He likes them (thankfully) and calls himself "Dr. T" when he wears them. Too funny! Hopefully he doesn't get tired of them or come to hate wearing them. He is pretty happy that he can see better now, though.

In other news, things around here are getting busy, busy, busy. Z has Army stuff to do...and I am back in full swing at work again (I had June and July off). Now that August is here, I am actually really looking forward to September when the boys will start school and we can get a good routine going. That, and I am really looking forward to cooler weather. I'm a Minnesotan. I'm tired of this hot and humid stuff (though, its been pretty hot and humid in MN lately, too). Last night we got 5 inches of rain. Crazy! The rivers are out of their banks again...I would really like it if it would stop raining so much so that our basement wasn't so damp and so I wouldn't have to mow the lawn so often! I am so looking forward to cool nights when I can open up the windows and feel nice, crisp fall air!

One Man's Junk

2010-07-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago, I rescued a plant out of the compost bin. I work in a building that has a large greenhouse on the top floor, so it isn't exactly an unusual occurrence to find a plant in the compost bin that I decide has some redeeming quality. Then I drag it home, pot it up, and hope for the best.

The plant that I rescued a couple months ago is a Bird of Paradise plant. I LOVE them. It looked pretty ragged when I pulled it out of the compost bin, but I brought it home anyway. I put it in a nice big pot, gave it lots of water, and put it on my front porch. I figured if nothing else, I'd have some extra green through the summer...and if it still wasn't looking great by fall, at least I would have given it a few extra months to thrive.

A couple days ago, I noticed that there were flower buds on the Bird of Paradise. Then they opened.

Not bad for garbage, right??

Summer Vacation

2010-07-25T18:03:00.001-07:00

The boys were so excited to go on a "real vacation" this summer (and quite honestly, so was I)! The hubby had never been to one of my very favorite places...so I decided this was the year he was finally going to see Lake Superior. We didn't have a ton of time available to travel very far this time around, so Lake Superior was a great choice for that reason. It is close (within a day's drive) and the scenery is spectacular. So even though we were relatively close to home, it still felt like we were quite far away.

Oh how I wish I lived near Lake Superior. I could very happily move to this area. There is so much to do outside (lots of State Parks, HUGE national forest areas with lots of hiking and biking)...lots of hiking around the lake...and there are a surprising number of quilt shops in the area! ;o)

Here are some random photos from our trip. We loved it...we ate lots of fish...hiked around along the shoreline...got wet in the COLD lake...did some geocaching...and generally had fun.

Oh, and I should mention that we stayed at a waterpark resort the first two nights in Duluth. The boys LOVED it. I think they would have been perfectly happy if we had not seen anything in Duluth except the inside of our hotel (which included the water park). Don't worry, though. We got them out and about to explore!

Pray for my hometown...

2010-06-18T14:13:00.000-07:00

My hometown of Wadena, MN was hit by a tornado yesterday afternoon. There is a lot of damage.

I have heard from my immediate family and all are ok. Most of my family lives in the rural area and they had no damage. Amazingly those who do live in town sustained no (or relatively little) damage. But many, many others were not so fortunate. Lots of my high-school friends' families are dealing with damage and devastation. Please send good thoughts and prayers to all in (and around) Wadena, MN.

high school

community center - hockey rink

pool

high school

high school

high school commons area
Photos from the Wadena Pioneer Journal

Nearly a decade...

2010-06-14T20:30:00.000-07:00

I am a bit embarrassed to admit that it has taken me nearly a decade to finish a quilt. Nearly a decade? Yikes! How is it possible that much time has passed since I started it?

In my mind, every quilt has a story. Some stories are short...and others are long. Some stories are sweet...while others have a serious dose of blood, sweat, and tears. The story of this quilt is one of those longer stories.

A little more than ten years ago, I left my small town and my small college for a trip to Tanzania. It was just a month-long trip, but it was a trip that would end up influencing how I view the world today. I know its a cliche to say that it was a "life-changing trip", but it was just that for me.

Not long after my trip, I discovered that my mom had taken up quilting. It didn't take much for me to convince her to try to teach me the basics. We spent a weekend making my very first quilt. One with big blocks, large pieces of fabric...and it was flannel. It is proudly hanging on the quilt rack in my sewing room - my very first quilt. Soon after that, I decided I wanted to try another quilt. I wanted to make one big enough for my bed. I didn't want to spend much money (quilting fabric is expensive on a graduate student's budget) so my mom and I went to the quilt shop and bought fabrics from the clearance section. They weren't fabrics that I would pick now...and if I'd had a bigger budget then, I certainly would have picked other fabrics. My mom helped me find a pattern that I thought I could pull off on my own (a simple 9 patch) and I went to work. My mom helped here and there, but it was mostly my own. I still use that quilt on my bed (though its getting kind of worn...and the dog has put a hole or two in it).

But the quilt that this story is about is the very next piece I started on. I remember I was using an old hand-me-down machine from my mom. It was actually the machine that I learned to sew on when I was a kid. It was basic, but it was all I needed back then. I had two roommates, and not much living space that was "mine". But, I crammed my little sewing table into my room and convinced myself that I would find time to sew.

Somewhere along the line I found this book:

And on page 150, I saw this quilt:

And I knew I HAD to make THAT quilt. That quilt transported me right back to Tanzania. That quilt made me feel Africa all over again - just by looking at it. I knew I had to have a quilt like that in my house to look at every day.

I had no idea what I was doing. The book didn't have a pattern for the quilt. Just the picture. It had patterns for a couple elements that are in the quilt, but nothing specific for that quilt. I had no sense about quilting etiquette or about translating a photograph of a quilt into a quilting design, but I knew I had to try to re-create that quilt for myself.

So I worked on it. I made lots of drawings. I did lots of math trying to figure out how to make all the pieces fit together and trying to figure out what sizes to make everything. Once I thought I figured it out, I headed to the quilt shop to buy fabric. Then I started cutting...and piecing...and ripping seams...and re-piecing...and buying more fabric to make up for the bits I had ruined along the way.

In the end, I got the quilt top I wanted. I had another local quilter do the quilting for me...and when I got it back I got to work on the binding. And that's where I quit.

For a long time.

I got married. My husband spent a year in Iraq. When he got back, I didn't do much sewing. We adopted two little boys...and all the sewing I did was for them (or other babies in the family). We moved a couple of times.

And all this time this quilt sat in a box in storage.

I have decided that this summer is all about finishing projects. I have several quilt tops that need to be quilted, and I am convinced that I am going to make a genuine dent in the "partially finished projects" bin in my sewing room. But in order to do that, I had to go back and finish this quilt. So last week, I pulled it out and finally hand-stitched the last bit of binding.

It felt so good to finally finish this quilt.

So thank you to Laurie Barnett for designing such an amazing quilt. One that invoked such an amazingly strong emotional response from yours truly. And now I have one to hang on my wall to bring me back to Africa every day.

Originally posted HERE.

Moving On...

2010-05-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

We quit.

I haven't posted about our adoption journey in ages, even though we made the decision several weeks ago. Its been hard to accept that this terrible year of rollercoaster riding has ended with us simply quitting. But that is our reality.

Part of me still lives in this fantasy world where we learn about a child who needs us...things happen fast...we have our child #3 in record time...and our homestudy doesn't simply expire, proving that it was a waste of time, energy, and money.

Its ludicrous, I know.

I'm working hard at moving on.

I've been making time to do things that make me happy. I've been quilting. We've been working on spending more time together as a family, fostering our relationships with each other. We've been enjoying watching the boys learn more and more every day and seeing more of their individual personalities shine through. Its amazing just how much you miss when you have so much emotional energy wrapped up in an adoption process. Its draining. When things are going well, it can be amazing and wonderful...but when things are not going well it is an absolute energy suck.

We had just reached the place where we had no energy left. We had become numb, and that's when we knew it had to be over. Its important to note here that us quitting was really no one's fault. As far as we know, we didn't do anything wrong. We followed the road we thought we were supposed to follow. Apparently things don't work out because you think they are supposed to...or because you pray that they will...or because you "feel" that this is the right path. We were wrong about that. But our situation isn't our agency's fault either. They didn't do anything wrong. Our adoption coordinator didn't do anything wrong.

Things just didn't work out.

So now we're moving on.

But we've got fun things to look forward to this summer. We're going to make the most of it. And hopefully at the end of the summer we'll be able to look back and remember all the fun we packed into those short months...and we'll know that we rocked it out!

Bad Idea

2010-04-24T18:33:00.000-07:00

For future reference.

When making Monster Cookies, resist the temptation to use the open container of reduced fat peanut butter you have in the cabinet. It would be much better to just open the regular peanut butter and save the reduced fat peanut butter for other uses. You will regret the decision to use reduced fat peanut butter later.

This is the end of my public service announcement.

We've Been Busy

2010-04-21T18:16:00.001-07:00

The past couple of weeks have been pretty busy around this household. We decided it was time to get rid of the yucky carpet in our house and replace it with something else. When we bought the house a year ago, it had this light-gray carpet in both the living room and the dining room. I didn't like how it looked at all. And, with both kids and dogs in the house, I knew it wouldn't hold up for long (it didn't look all that great when we moved in either).

So we headed to the local home improvement store to check out our options. Replace it with new carpet? Hardwood? Tile? Laminate flooring?

In the end, we decided to go with laminate flooring. We picked one we thought would look nice in our house, got an estimate, and before we knew it, we were planning to get new flooring.

Somewhere along the line, I managed to convince Z that since we were moving all the furniture to get the new flooring, we might as well make the most of the opportunity and paint the rooms while we were at it. I still can't believe he went with it! For nearly the past 15 years of my life I have lived in rented space with white (or some sort of cream) colored walls. I am TIRED of white. Our house has all white walls (except one weird wall in the dining room that was sponge-painted gray and white...????). It was time for a change.

While we were at the store, we grabbed some paint samples and went to work figuring out what colors to paint. We decided on 3 colors.

The weekend before last, we tore up all the carpet, ripped up the tack strips, and painted and painted and painted. On Wednesday and Thursday we got new flooring.

We've finally got things back to their proper places...and are getting some regular sleep. Whew. It was a whirlwind! But, we LOVE it!

First, some BEFORE pictures:

Then some mid-renovation photos:

And finally some AFTER pictures:

A Picture Post

2010-03-31T19:19:00.000-07:00

Watching Peanut watch a movie is sometimes more entertaining than the movie itself. He's such an animated kid!

Last night, I gave the boys haircuts. Peanut has wanted a mohawk since last summer (when Jellybean had one). They were getting to the point where they NEEDED haircuts...so I decided to try my hand at mohawks. Peanut was first, and he wasn't so sure about keeping the new 'do. He's very sensitive to what other kids say...and he thought other kids would laugh at him. But as soon as Jellybean said he wanted one too, then Peanut was ALL IN. Personally I think they look pretty cool...I figure you're only a kid once...and there's only so long they can get away with crazy hair. Why not live it up? Plus its finally Spring...and its time to celebrate with a new look.

Who am I anyway?

2010-03-10T07:53:00.000-08:00

Before I had kids, I used to get a little annoyed by the fact that my friends (who happened to be parents) only seemed to talk about their kids when we got together. I wondered why they didn't have anything more to talk about than the fact that kid #1 was coloring pictures all by himself and kid #2 was learning to walk.

Two years into this parenting journey and I now completely understand how easy it is to lose yourself in your kids. These days I don't have much more to talk about than my kids either. Somehow I've gotten lost in the sea of masterful works of art brought home in the boys' back packs. My identity has been glossed over by boys who love basketball, drawing pictures on big paper, and playing "band camp" in their room. My days are filled with laundry, cooking, cleaning, and breaking up arguments over toys (not to mention working).

This isn't necessarily to say that getting lost in your children is a bad thing. Kids are only young once, and you have to soak it up while you can. But I miss knowing who I am. I miss feeling passionate about things. I miss feeling like ME.

So I'm planning a change. One of my great loves is the love of fabric. I love the feel of fabric in my hands. I love putting fabrics together to make something interesting. I love quilting. But I haven't made time to do it much since the boys came home. I have a pretty substantial "stash" of fabric. I even have a sewing room. I'm going to start the change by making more time for me to quilt.

And I'm splurging. BIG TIME. On a new sewing machine. The machine I have is great for piecing the tops of quilts...but once I get that done, I'm kind of stuck. I can finish small quilts, but not larger ones (unless I tie them). After lots of research, I've discovered a relatively affordable machine that will allow me to finish more (and larger) projects. To top it off, I discovered that our local quilt shop carries that very machine. And they had 1 used machine. So I'm getting a GREAT deal on a new (to me) quilting machine (and frame to put it on). It is still a HUGE splurge for me. Its still a lot of money.

Z has said over and over that I should get it. But it has taken me a long time to feel like its ok for me to spend this much money on something that's just for me. However, I've come to the realization that it isn't just a splurge for me. Its an investment in my sanity. Its an investment in my passion. Its an investment in ME.

And that's worth it.

I've spent too much time and too much energy in the last year being unhappy. Being sad about why the journey to child #3 was taking us down such an unfortunate path.

We're done with that.

I'm done with that.

We're moving on.

We're bringing back the happy around here.

And I'm excited.

I may even set goals for projects. And give myself deadlines.

Stay tuned to my other blog. Changes are comin'.

Attack of the Sickled Cells

2010-03-01T12:22:00.000-08:00

Today I am hanging out at home again, though this time not because of the weather. This time its because Jellybean is suffering from the effects of Sickle Cell Disease. We've been pretty lucky so far with Jellybean and his Sickle Cell. In the 2 years the boys have been home, we haven't had any major problems. No hospitalizations, no missed days of school. He's had some fairly minor pain episodes (4 of them), but they only lasted a day or two and we've been able to keep the pain under control with over the counter pain meds. We know that he won't always have things so relatively pain-free, so we've been really thankful that things have been going so well.

Since Z has been spending so much time away from home for Army duties lately, he decided to treat me to a night out with a friend on Friday evening while he stayed home with the boys. This, of course, meant that they spent the evening eating "man food" (chili dogs), watching a movie, and playing video games. It also meant that they stayed up later than usual and drank some soda (a pretty rare treat for the boys).

There was more staying up late, getting up early, lots of family fun time, snacks and sodas throughout the rest of the weekend. This (combined with a bit of a cold), unfortunately resulted in Jellybean's pain episode today.

Last night, after completing the last of his homework, Jellybean started complaining that his knee hurt. His knee is not usually his "hot spot", so I didn't think too much of it. I assumed he had bumped it on something while he and his brother were goofing around. By bed time, he was limping around and complaining a lot more. So, I gave him some medicine and sent him to bed.

At 1:00am, he came downstairs to tell us that his leg still hurt really bad. Z gave him some water and sent him back to bed. At 2:15am, he was calling for me so I headed up to his room to find him rolling around on the floor crying, holding his knee. So I sat with him for a while, got him some more medicine, talked with him about why it hurt ("It hurts all by itself - I didn't bang it on anything"), gave him some more water, and tucked him back in to bed. When he woke up this morning, it was the same story again. Jellybean writhing in pain, clutching his knee.

I wish I could take this pain away from him. I wish there was a magic pill I could give him that would stop the pain, help him sleep better, and allow him to play all the sports he wants without having to stop every few minutes to drink water and rest. I wish he didn't have to miss school because he's in pain. I wish that he didn't have to feel singled out when he has to go to the specialist for check-ups.

And most of all, I wish that he didn't have to get used to this. I know its likely only to get worse over time, not better. Oh how I wish I could change that.

"Mom, I know you're going to be angry but...

2010-02-20T07:12:00.000-08:00

...I got another bad note from school."

That was the first thing I heard from Jellybean last evening when I picked him up from the after-school program. Unfortunately, its something I've heard several times over the past few weeks. Jellybean is just simply having a rough time right now in school. He loves school, but he's struggling with appropriate behaviors.

Of the two boys, Jellybean is the one who has been able to handle change the best. He's more laid-back and has a better grasp on what's going on. He's more equipped to 'roll with the punches'. But lately, he's had a LOT of pretty big changes. He loves his teacher. We love his teacher. But, right before Christmas she had a baby and has been on maternity leave ever since. There wasn't one teacher who could cover her absence entirely, so there was one interim teacher for about a month, and now there's another interim teacher until the rest of maternity leave is over.

Every teacher is different. Every teacher has different preferences, different ways of doing things, and slightly different consequences for things. His regular teacher is a pretty laid-back, flexible kind of teacher. If Jellybean had a problem during the day, she'd send me a quick email to give me a heads-up and let me know what was going on. The first interim teacher didn't send home any notes or emails letting me know he was having trouble...so I assume all was fine during her time in the classroom. But the current interim teacher? We've gotten 5 notes home in 3 weeks' time.

I don't doubt that Jellybean's behavior has earned him a note home. He's been a challenge even at home these past few weeks. But it is also completely expected. You see, Z was out of town for two weeks taking care of Army responsibilities. Jellybean always has a harder time when Z is out of town. He and Z are close...and I am sure that when Z leaves town insecurities creep up into his mind (consciously or not). But, we find a way to deal with the troublesome behavior at home...and we spend more time talking about what is bothering us when Z is gone. We all miss him, so if he understands that I feel sad too, then we can work to help each other feel better. We make sure that Jellybean understands that Z IS COMING BACK HOME...and we talk with Z on the phone, so that helps, too.

But trouble at school is so much harder to deal with. I can't go with him to school every day and help him make better choices. Some of these things he has to just learn on his own, through consequences at school for the choices he's made.

First the notes home were about him being disruptive in class; talking out of turn, not paying attention, etc. Then there was a note home about the teacher being concerned that he didn't know his numbers well enough and he was struggling in math. We need to work on numbers 1-50 with him and work on coins (names and values). Ok, we can do that. Then yesterday, the note was about him being caught goofing around in the girls' bathroom.

He's always honest about things when I ask him about it. Yesterday he said that another little boy in his class told him to go in the girls' bathroom because it would be funny. Unfortunately, the teachers didn't think it was very funny. It bought him a trip to the Principal's office and a "bad" note home.

To be completely honest, a much bigger part of me than I should admit to on a public forum, wants to just laugh about something like this. If only the teachers would realize where the boys were just two years ago! This behavior that he's struggling with now is NOTHING compared to where we were. This stuff is trivial. This stuff is (in my opinion) pretty 'normal' little boy behavior. And part of me wants to just raise my hands and rejoice that we've finally reached a place where the boys have "normal" little boy bad behaviors!

At the same time, I know that I have to take the teacher's concerns seriously and do my best to help Jellybean understand that he has to do a better job controlling himself at school. He has to think before he acts. He has to do a better job listening. So we talk about it. He has consequences at home for bad behaviors at school like an early bed time or missing out on a privilege at home (like TV or video game time).

And as far as the "knowing coins and their values" stuff goes? Sure, we'll work on it. But I know that he'll get it eventually. In the past two years these two boys have had TONS and TONS of new things to learn. They have done an amazing job absorbing so much more than I could absorb in the same amount of time. Unfortunately, with a list a million things long, I'm afraid "knowing coins and their values" simply was not on the top of the priority list. Mrs. E will just have to deal with it.

Snow Day (take 2,272)

2010-02-09T10:07:00.000-08:00

Today was declared *another* Snow Day by our public school district. We've had MANY this winter thus far. So many I seem to have lost official count. I used to get a bit worked up about it, but now I've learned to just take it in stride. We make it work. And sometimes, I really just love these impromptu days at home.

On Sunday I mixed up a batch of Whole Wheat Brioche. The boys and I came in from shoveling snow to smell that wonderful rising bread dough smell. I threw the dough in the oven and within minutes we had delicious fresh bread to snack on after our hard work. Divine.

This morning, I made another set of little loaves. For breakfast. Little heart-shaped loaves for the boys and little rectangular loaves for myself and Z. Honestly, there is very little in this world that smells and tastes better than homemade bread fresh out of the oven. Its a simple pleasure - one that I plan to enjoy lots in the coming year (especially since I received 3 copies of this book for Christmas!!)

Yesterday while reading in a friend's blog, I was directed to this post. An amazingly heart-breaking and heart-warming post. Today I've found myself reading the newer posts on this blog...and going back to read older posts as well. I'm feeling inspired. And more than ever, I'm convinced that I spend too much time sweating the small stuff. So instead, I'm going to focus on enjoying the now, celebrating the little breakthroughs, and finding the happy. Go take a read for yourself. Bring kleenex.

My Mama always said...

2010-02-03T11:13:00.001-08:00

"If you don't have anything nice to say then you shouldn't say anything at all."

I guess that has been about where I've been lately. Stuck in a place where I have nothing good to say. Stuck in a place where I've got a lot going on, where I've got a lot that I could say, but feeling like I don't really have anything worthwhile to talk about.

Adoption stuff? We're stuck. Stuck in a place where we keep waffling back and forth about what we should do. On paper, completing another adoption right now does not look like a good idea. We've got repair projects on our home looming...projects that will quickly suck up any "extra" money that we have. Projects that really cannot be postponed any longer. Once the weather warms up, we HAVE to fix the roof on the garage and we HAVE to replace some flooring in our home.

But, if we end the adoption process now, we've wasted about $8000 in the past year...preparing for an adoption that will never take place.

We know our family isn't "complete" just yet...but we aren't sure where to go.

Over the past several months I've had several people in the adoption community tell me to simply "trust" that the financial stuff will work out. "Take the leap of faith" they say. "In the end it will all work out." I always just nod my head, or email back and say "Thanks". But the reality is, I just want to scream at them (I know, very sensible. I restrained myself). Really? Take a leap of faith? I have already invested an immeasurable amount of emotion (and sanity) in this process. I've reached the point where I simply cannot do any more. Either the answer has to fall out of the sky without me doing any effort, or I'm done. I have no more. My cynicism and pessimism have taken over. I know those same people who told me to "take the leap of faith" would tell me that this only means I have to work harder, pray harder, stretch my faith further. But I simply don't have it in me. And hearing "have more faith" only makes me angry. Harsh, I know...but its my truth. I can't sugar-coat it anymore.

Over the past few months, we've endured an incredibly disappointing experience. We thought we could recover and continue, but maybe we should have just quit at that point and taken the time to grieve. I thought we could move on and see another little face and fall in love. But...in the recent past we've been told about two little boys (both of whom are absolutely PERFECT) and we couldn't do it. We wanted to be able to say "yes", but the details got in the way. To be completely honest, the reasons we said no are mostly financial...yet I hid behind the "I want a girl" excuse. What are we going to do when the PERFECT little girl is presented to us and we still have those financial doubts? I won't be able to hide behind a flimsy excuse anymore.

And then there's the complication of THE ARMY. Z got a promotion a while back, which is wonderful. But, it means he has to go away for training. This fall, he will be gone for 4 months for training. I know that this means that if we were to seriously pursue an adoption at this point, there is the possibility that the child would come home just before (or during) that 4 month period. The transition period when a child first comes home is HARD. For everyone in the family. I REALLY don't want to handle that all by myself (and work full-time, and take care of all the other responsibilities to run our household).

All of this is so disappointing. This is definitely NOT where we wanted to be at this point. A year ago, we thought we were headed in the right direction. And then things fell apart. We are approaching that "falling apart" anniversary (the week of my birthday) here in a couple of weeks. Bummer.

I don't know if anyone bothers to check in here anymore, since I haven't written in ages. Hopefully soon we will be able to make a decision about our adoption plans. We'll either figure out a way to go forward...and the excitement will come back. Or we'll decide to end our journey...the weight of the decision will be lifted...and we'll move on to sharing how thankful we are for the very many things we have to be thankful for. 'Cause there are VERY many reasons for us to be thankful.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!

2009-12-27T16:27:00.001-08:00

I hope that all of you have had a wonderful Christmas. Its been a while since I've been on here...to be honest, I'm not quite sure if I'm "back" or if I'm just checking in...but I didn't want the holidays to pass without at least a quick update. Our Christmas plans were thwarted by an impending blizzard (which struck where we were headed, not so much where we live). So, we spent a rather relaxing Christmas at home with our tree and our little family of 4. It looks as though we'll be celebrating Christmas well into January now, since the celebrations have just been delayed a bit.

All in all, our Christmas has been a relaxing one. We've enjoyed playing outside, watching movies, playing with new Transformer and Star Wars toys, and catching some extra z's. Life is good.

Fall - A Picture Post

2009-11-01T17:52:00.000-08:00

Big Big News!!!

2009-10-30T16:44:00.000-07:00

The following is from CNN this evening:

Obama to lift HIV/AIDS travel ban
October 30, 2009 5:23 p.m. EDT
"If we want to be the global leader in combating HIV/AIDS, we need to act like it," President Obama said Friday.
"If we want to be the global leader in combating HIV/AIDS, we need to act like it," President Obama said Friday.

Washington (CNN) -- President Obama announced Friday that he will lift a 22-year-old ban on entry into the United States for people infected with HIV/AIDS.

The administration intends to publish a new federal rule next week eliminating the ban by the start of 2010, he said.

"We talk about reducing the stigma of this disease, yet we've treated a visitor living with it as a threat," he said at the White House. "If we want to be the global leader in combating HIV/AIDS, we need to act like it."

Obama said that lifting the ban is a "step that will encourage people to get tested and get treatment. It's a step that will keep families together, and it's a step that will save lives."

The United States, he said, is one of only a dozen countries that still bar the entry of people with HIV.

Obama made the announcement shortly before signing legislation extending federally funded HIV/AIDS treatment for hundreds of thousands of underinsured, low-income Americans.

The Ryan White HIV/AIDS Treatment Extension Act authorizes a 5 percent annual increase in federal support over the next four years. Funding under the law is scheduled to rise from more than $2.5 billion in fiscal year 2010 to nearly $3 billion in fiscal year 2013.

Among other things, the law helps ensure continued funding for the Minority AIDS Initiative, designed to address "the disproportionate impact of the disease on racial and ethnic minorities," according to a White House statement.

The measure easily passed both the Senate and the House of Representatives last week. Similar legislation first passed almost 20 years ago and was reauthorized in 1996, 2000 and 2006.

An estimated 1 million people in the United States have HIV, according the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Almost one-quarter of them are not aware that they are infected, the CDC says.

Bummer

2009-10-17T17:19:00.000-07:00

So...I had hoped to have fun pictures of all of us having a good time at the local pumpkin patch and apple orchard this weekend, but instead I am stuck at home with a couple of sickies. Bummer.

Poor Peanut has a confirmed case of H1N1. Yuck. Yesterday he came home from school not feeling very well. Took his temperature and it was 100.3. At that point I suspected he probably had "the virus" that is all over the place. He got some extra hugs and cuddles...some Sprite and pudding for dinner...and got to sleep on a cot in mom and dad's room. At 6:00am I took his temperature and it was 105!!! Yikes! He got some children's Motrin and some cold apple juice in him...and hour later it was down to 102.6. I made some phone calls to my mom and First Nurse...and it was determined I should try to get him to the clinic this morning. When the clinic opened at 8:00am, I talked with the nurse. At first she said there really was no need to bring him in unless he starts having a hard time breathing, becomes really lethargic, or we can't get his fever to come down. Then I mentioned Jellybean's chronic illness and she said "bring him in - leave the other one at home". Poor kiddo.

Peanut and I headed to the clinic an hour later. We sat there for quite a while waiting - and the waiting room was pretty full. All the kids were wearing masks. Poor Peanut was so sad he had to wear a mask. He didn't fight it...but when we sat down, he just hung his head and had big tears streaming down his face.

The doctor wasn't our normal pediatrician, but he was really great. The nurse tested Peanut for the flu (so NOT a fun test - poor Peanut cried and cried and cried when it was over). The test came back positive. And because Jellybean has Sickle Cell disease, we were given special treatment. A round of Tamiflu for both Peanut and Jellybean. Hopefully it will keep Jellybean from getting it...and help Peanut get over it quickly.

Z also seems to have a touch of "something". Probably H1N1. Great.

Hopefully I'll be able to keep myself healthy - at least until everyone else is better.

Never a Dull Moment

2009-10-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

This is going to be a mish-mash of a post, but that's kind of where I am right now.

First, things at our house are just never dull these days. In fact, it seems as though we've just been inundated with icky stuff to deal with lately. First it was the mystery rash, then the communication issues with a Kindergarten teacher, and this week I discovered that a certain (really hairy) fur-kid has the dreaded flea. Ugh. In a house with lots of fur-kids, fleas are a MAJOR problem. Our pets get lots of people attention, so I hope that we caught them early. Only one fur-kid has fleas (or evidence of fleas), but EVERYBODY got treated just the same. And last night we did a top-to-bottom cleaning of the house in hopes of stopping the invasion right where it was. I'm praying this is the last we see of fleas. Its yucky. And embarrassing. Ugh. Our neighbors have pigeons...I'm pretty sure that's the source of our flea problem.

The "Kindergarten Issue". We've determined that the Kindergarten teacher is probably very annoyed with us at this point. We don't really care about that so much...but we've decided that now that we've told the teacher what our issue is and what our expectation is (that she start communicating with us more effectively) that we will give it a couple weeks to see if things start improving. They improved a bit last week...so we'll see how long it lasts. If it doesn't get better or if it gets better and then gets worse again, we're going to bring in the Principal and hash things out until we are more happy with the situation. I honestly don't think this teacher is a "bad teacher". I just don't think that she using the "right" strategy for our Peanut. Hopefully things get better and stay better.

Adoption news. Nope - there's no news. (Ok...its not COMPLETELY true that there's NO adoption news. We recently got our I-600a approval, so there has been some news). I'm struggling a bit with how I feel about the lack of news. I don't really EXPECT news at this point...but I also really wish there was something to report. We've been at this for so long, it feels like there should be SOMETHING. I hesitate a bit to put this in writing, but I am getting to a place where I no longer BELIEVE this adoption is going to happen at all. And even if it were to happen, my idea of "the perfect child" for our family right now is changing. On paper, we are requesting a child under 5. We've told our adoption coordinator we'd like a girl under 5. But the truth is...my heart is really longing for a baby. I know that this is very likely the child that will complete our family. Z has always wanted 3 kids. I've always wanted 3 or 4 kids. I'm not sure that Z will ever want the 4th child. Maybe. We are approved to adopt 2 kids (in the event there is a sibling pair that captures our hearts), but we are both hoping a single child is who captures our hearts this time around. But all of that means that this next child might be my last chance to have a baby. I've never really felt that pull before...but lately, my heart just longs for all things little. I don't know what that means in terms of our adoption. Do we switch to a program where babies are available? I don't know. I'm honestly really tired of thinking and rethinking and overthinking everything in terms of our adoption process. I'd really just love it at this point if "THE ANSWER" just fell into our laps. Unlikely, I know.

The internet. I've been cutting down the amount of time I spend online lately. I don't visit the online groups that I am a part of as much...I don't spend as much time reading every email that gets sent from yahoo forums I'm on...I don't spend as much time blogging...I don't spend as much time "playing" online as I used to. It just got to the point where things were getting too hard for me. It was too hard for me to be reading about other people's good adoption news - that terrible jealousy bug bites hard sometimes. It was too difficult and scary to read about other people's bad adoption experiences. It was getting to the point where I was spending so much time dwelling on that "stuff" that I didn't have the time I needed to do things that help renew my spirit. So I shut the computer off.

I've been spending more time with my family - and actually being PRESENT (instead of my mind being somewhere else). I started trying to teach myself how to crochet (just because I didn't know how). I think I have the very basic stitches worked out, but I am clearly missing a stitch every time I change direction, because what I am working on is looking more like a triangle than a square - but I don't really care at this point. I'm just doing it for fun. I'm sure I'll figure out the problem and be off and running. I went up into my sewing room and actually started sewing. Over the weekend I started a quilt and got about 1/2 of the quilt top done in one day. It was HEAVEN. It made me feel so wonderful to just get started again. I just pray that I someday have a little girl to wrap in the purple and green quilt.

But, I guess that is all to say that if you don't hear from me all that much in this space, that is why. I'm still here. I still read the important things. I still get the gist of what's going on in my yahoo groups...I just am not putting in the time and energy that I used to. It was/is just too hard. Maybe someday I will be able to read about other people's adoption journeys and have their news not affect my mood regarding our adoption journey. But right now, its just too difficult to compartmentalize.

"The Rigors of Kindergarten" or "Why I'm Currently Mad at a Kindergarten Teacher"

2009-09-23T18:52:00.000-07:00

When the school year started (and Peanut entered Kindergarten), we knew that he was going to have a bit of a tough transition. Peanut has been dealt a bit of a disadvantage, compared to his classmates. In our small town, kids like Peanut aren't very common. He's the only kid in his class with a dark skin color. He's the only kid in his class who was adopted. He's the only kid in his class who lost his whole family and his culture...who then had to get used to a new culture, a new country, a new home, and a new family. In the past two years, Peanut has been through a tremendous amount of change. He's making incredible progress and I know that he will continue to do so...but people in his life need to give him the tools he needs (and the chance) to succeed.

Before school started, Z took Peanut in to school to meet his teacher and check out his classroom. During this meeting, Z told the Kindergarten teacher that Peanut was going to need some additional work. He told her that it was important that she be consistent. He told her that it was important that she make it clear to him at the very beginning of the school year what the boundaries were...and what the consequences were for over-stepping those boundaries. Z told her to expect Peanut to do some attention-seeking behaviors...and that these behaviors were related to his past and his difficulties with attachment. Z told her that we expected some difficult days for him and that once he knew what his boundaries (and consequences) were, then we expected he would do just fine. We told her to please let us know right away if he was not behaving appropriately so that we could address the behaviors right away.

We were clear with her.

Yesterday, Peanut had a rough day at school. His "cubby" was red - which means his behavior was bad at school (the first red he's had). So, he lost some privileges at home and had a "talking to" about his behavior. I wrote a note to the teacher letting her know that if there were specific behaviors that she would like us to address at home that she should let us know so that we could help Peanut work on these things.

She wrote a note back letting us know that yesterday's behavior wasn't really different from any other day so far...its just that now she's enforcing the rules because they are a month in to school and the students should be used to school and the rules now. She said Peanut is having a hard time with "Kindergarten-appropriate behaviors". She said she knew we had been recommended to enroll Peanut in the Pre-K program, but that we had opted out of it. She wanted us to know that Pre-K was still an option for Peanut and that she thinks it would be a good option for him. If we want to talk about this option for Peanut, please give her a call.

UGH.

A month in to school and this is the FIRST TIME we are hearing about his "inappropriate" behaviors.

Why did we bother telling the teacher any of our concerns BEFORE school started? She clearly did not take anything we said seriously. Now, poor Peanut has spent a month at school thinking he was doing just fine...only to learn yesterday that he wasn't. Now he's confused about those boundaries...and the consequences. Now we have to re-teach him how to be a Kindergartener.

Now, I don't want to paint with a broad brush, but I have a feeling that this teacher read Peanut's "Kindergarten Round-up" evaluation and made up her mind about Peanut before she even met him. She's writing him off because he's going to be more work. And I'm concerned that she isn't going to listen to any input that we give her.

She wants us to put him in Pre-K...he'll turn 6 in Pre-K...and then turn 7 in Kindergarten. Am I crazy to think this is a bad idea?

Z and I are determined to make sure that Peanut is not punished for being adopted and for having a background that is "different" than the typical kid in our town. The teachers who have suggested Pre-K for Peanut have all tried to tell us that it is there to "help him". They are worried that "the rigors of Kindergarten" will "damage his spirit" and they think that Pre-K will help him transition better. But none of them want to hear that holding him back (and now removing him from Kindergarten and sending him back to Pre-K) will also "damage his spirit". Peanut has wanted to go to school from the moment he got off the airplane. He was heartbroken when his big brother got to go to school and he didn't. He's SMART. He needs to go to school. When he gets bored, he misbehaves. Somehow, I don't think that Pre-K will engage him enough to keep him busy and keep him from getting bored.

But what do I know?

I'm just his MOM.

My mistake? Taking him to the week-long Kindergarten Round-Up. I really wish I had not taken him, and that I had instead just enrolled him in Kindergarten. Kindergarten Round-Up has only given the teachers an "out". Its given them the chance to pre-judge my little boy and that just stinks. Now we have to work to get the teacher to step outside her box of familiarity and figure out some new strategies that will work for our little boy. He deserves to be in Kindergarten with the rest of the kids his age. He deserves to be given an education and be evaluated fairly. He deserves a chance.

Proverb

2009-09-21T07:45:00.000-07:00

"To climb a mountain, you zigzag."
-Zimbabwean Proverb

This seems particularly fitting. I seem to be doing a lot of zigging and zagging lately. Eventually, though...we'll reach the top of the mountain and have a great view. At least, I hope so.

Planning Ahead

2009-09-20T15:37:00.001-07:00

After church today, Z headed out of the house to do a little "guy stuff". Since we have a tremendously busy week ahead of us this week, I decided to use the time wisely and do some cooking to help us get through the week (or at least to get us started).

The boys wanted to help, so we put on our aprons and got to work!

First we made a pan of these.

Then some of these.

And a big old pot of chili to go with them.

Why is it that chili never looks very appetizing in a photo? Its gonna be good, though...It is going to cook all day long in the crock pot tomorrow and we'll come home to a kitchen smelling wonderfully spicy. Then all I will have to do to be ready for dinner tomorrow is make some rice (the boys like to eat their chili over rice) and grate some cheese.

And since we were already in the kitchen, I thought we'd make these, too.

I think we're good on snacks for the week. Now I just have to plan out the rest of our evening meals. I know the chili will provide us with a couple of nights...as well as some lunches. Maybe some roast in the crock pot another night? We'll see what I come up with. At least I have a good start now.

Mish Mash

2009-09-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

Since I'm feeling a little under the weather (and I am confined to sitting down so as not to cause my head to explode), I thought I would update the blog. It seems as though things around these bloggy parts have been neglected lately. I've had lots of things I've wanted to write...but I haven't really been feeling like sharing too much lately. We'll just chalk that up to adoption-related funk.

Today I took the little camera out of my purse and downloaded the photos. Who knew I hadn't posted photos of the boys at swimming lessons over the summer?

I am happy to report that they both passed their swimming lessons and loved their time in the pool (even though it was July and FREEZING here - we had to bundle the boys (and ourselves) up in sweats in order to get to the pool on several days).

I also realized that I had not yet posted photos of the first day of school! Yikes! Yes...we've been in session since Aug. 24th!
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The boys have had a mostly good beginning to the school year. I was a little worried about how Peanut would do going into Kindergarten (especially after that Kindergarten round-up in the Spring), but he's doing just fine. I expect he'll have some rough days here and there, but overall he's LOVING school. Every day the first week he would declare "Mommy! I LOVE school!" when I picked them up from the after-school program. Now, if we could just get him to eat faster so he finishes his lunch...

And Jellybean? Well...let's just say the first week was a rough one. There was a note sent home from the teacher (for bad behavior) ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL!! Not the best way to start first grade...But, things have picked up since that first week and he's getting back into the groove. All summer long he thought he was DONE with school, since he had finished Kindergarten. We kept trying to explain to him that he still had a lot of years of school ahead of him, but he simply didn't believe us. Apparently it was a bit of a rude awakening when the first day rolled around.

These days, we're dealing with sinus infections and a mystery rash around here. The Daddy and I have sinus issues...and poor Jellybean has a nasty mystery rash. It looks TERRIBLE. We've taken him to the pediatrician and are hoping that its cleared up soon (and that no one else gets it).

A Rare Occassion

2009-09-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

Both the Daddy and the Mommy are at home...and there are no boys here. Too bad we're both home because we're sick.

One of us is going to have to go pick up the boys from the after-school program soon.

Hopefully the pot of chicken noodle soup I'm cooking will help us feel better. And hopefully the boys are up for a low-key evening.

Parade

2009-09-14T12:50:00.000-07:00

We've been to our share of parades this summer. Of course, the boys love them...and always come home with TONS of candy. But recently, the boys had a special treat and got to see Daddy marching in the local parade. He's the handsome guy on the right.

Fingerprinting, Take 3

2009-09-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

This morning, Z and I headed off to get our fingerprints taken...Again. This time for USCIS.

We dropped the boys off at the before-school program, drove to the Federal Building, arrived for our 8:00am appointment, and were back on the road by 8:30am. At least it was a quick appointment this time.

On the way home, however, Z and I talked about how it all just seems like an exercise in futility. We are one step further into the process. But with each step, it feels more and more like we are walking into a dark tunnel...with no light to guide us from the other side.

I hope we're wrong.

Today's Proverb

2009-09-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

I love it when my daily calendar has Ghanaian proverbs on it. They are always so quirky and funny (with truth in the mix, too).

Here's yesterday's proverb:
"Never rub bottoms with a porcupine." - Ghanaian Proverb

And in case you were curious about today's proverb, here it is:
"The snail leaves a trail wherever it goes." -African Proverb

Amazing Amazima

2009-08-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

I've been reading Katie's blog for a while now. And every time I read it, I am nearly moved to tears. Every time I read it I think "The world needs WAY more Katie's in it." Every time I read it, I wonder what I could do to become more like Katie...to live more like Jesus' hands and feet in this world. She's young - she's only 20. But she's doing it. She has become a mother of 13 orphaned children in Uganda; sometimes more, as she takes in sick children for treatment and TLC. She also feeds hundreds of others every week...provides free medical treatment whenever she can...all while she shares the gospel with those she's helping. She's not just PREACHING it TO people...she's living it in her actions. She's the real deal, folks. And the world needs more Katies.

Go check out her blog - just click on the clip below.

I am angry that the result of this is that these sweet ones suffer in their innocence. I have said it before and it still holds true: I DO NOT BELIEVE that the God of the universe created too many children in His image and not enough love or food or care to go around. In fact I believe that He created the Body of Christ for just that, to help these little ones, the least of these. And I believe that except for a handful, the Body of Christ is failing.

Ungrateful

2009-08-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

We had big hopes for this weekend. It is the last weekend before school starts, so we know life around here is about to get busy. Mostly everyone is excited about school starting, but there's a little trepidation in the mix, too. The boys have had a rough week or so; their nerves about a new school year coming out in bad behaviors.

Z and I wanted to do something fun with the boys this last weekend before school starts. We wanted to treat the boys with a fun new activity and help us all blow off a little steam. So yesterday we ran a couple errands and set off to play a crazy-expensive game of mini-golf. The mini-golf course is in our mall, and its a black-light course, which the boys thought was really fun. They had a great time (as did Z and I) and then we headed off to dinner at a yummy Italian restaurant.

The day was meant to be fun. It was meant to be a treat. But on the way home, we heard a chorus of complaints from the back seat. Something wasn't fun enough. Someone was upset that he didn't get to ride his bike today. Blah, blah, blah.

I have to be honest and say that I was disappointed. We had just spent a large amount of money on a treat for all of us (something we don't do all that often)...and the boys (one in particular) simply didn't appreciate it. Ugh.

This has become an increasing problem over the past few months, but yesterday made me realize that Z and I aren't doing a good job of helping the boys understand the value of money, the value of family time, and being grateful for what we have. We've decided the boys need to start earning their own money through chores and allowance and that they have to start paying their own way for some of the fun things they want to do. Perhaps they might appreciate what they have a little more if they have to earn it.

So, I need some help. What are some chores that you have your kids do?

What's the "standard" allowance these days?

What things do you do with your family to help your kids learn these lessons?

Our boys are 5 and 7 years old.

Yesterday, at dinner-time...

2009-08-22T10:31:00.000-07:00

I had the following conversation with Jellybean:

"Mommy - this is just what I wanted!" (as I'm placing his bowl of food in front of him)

I'm glad, kiddo...I made it just for you (and your brother).

"Mommy - have I had this before?" (looking more carefully at the food)

Yes.

"Did I like it?" (looking unsure about trying the food I've just put in front of him)

Yes. You had it before AND you liked it. I bet you will like it again.

Silver Lining?

2009-08-21T06:59:00.000-07:00

I'm looking for it.

Lately I've been in a season of trial (this you know from the fact that this blog seems to have turned in to a space for venting all current adoption-related frustrations). It seems as though all we've been faced with so far in adoption #2 is frustration. We're losing hope, rapidly. We're questioning whether or not we're on the right path. We're wondering if we should jump ship before more frustrations present themselves. We're wondering if we should go back to researching more options. We're wondering if we should stick it out and HOPE that there is good news in the end. We're wondering if we should count our blessings and feel content that we have two wonderful boys, who we love like crazy (and who bring us amazing joy).

But, the truth is, no option feels like the right option. Our faith that things would work out has been tested over and over again in this process and its reached the point where our faith is failing us. We can't step out in faith when we have no faith left.

This adoption process started with such hope and excitement. Our boys' little brother would be joining them! They would all be able to grow up together in the same family!!

Then things took far longer than expected.

We asked that our homestudy be approved for 2, because the boys also had a baby sister...we thought JUST IN CASE she is relinquished by the birth family, we wanted to be ready.

Eventually we find out baby sister has died. In another orphanage. Another family had legally adopted her. The agency director who facilitated the adoption refuses to provide us with any information about her (including how she died or simply providing us some photos of her for her big brothers to have some day). The agency director was rude, mean, and down-right insensitive.

We were devastated.

As a result of baby girl's death, little brother was taken out of the orphanage by the birth family. Who can blame them? The problem? We already love little brother. The other problem? Little brother is sick. If little brother doesn't get medical care, he will die. We can't help but feel like he's been handed a death sentence by being removed from care. We can't blame the birth family for doing it...but the whole situation stinks.

Again, we were devastated.

We agonized over what to do next. We put the process on hold while we contemplated lots of options (ending the process where we were, going the route of trying for a biological child, researching other international adoption programs and agencies, domestic adoption, foster adoption). In the end, we decided we wanted to adopt from Ghana again. A myriad of reasons...but that was our decision.

The same day we made the decision, we learned about a little girl who eventually captured our hearts. We love her. We want the best for her. But she's complicated. There are details that need to be worked out - lots of details. We're praying about it. We're working on the details. But every piece of potential good news is met by an equal piece of discouraging news. Every time. Our families aren't necessarily supportive of our desire to add this particular child to our family. They have concerns. They have valid concerns.

I think we are letting her go. Unless there's some amazing intervention allowing us to bring her into our family, we're letting her go.

Again, we're devastated.

And now what? We feel drained. We feel damaged. We feel hurt and beaten. We simply feel exhausted.

And every option from here feels like a bad option. Looking into other programs and other agencies? Nope - don't have the energy left to do it.

Ending the process right here where we are? Then all of this would have been for nothing. I cannot believe that all of this pain and heartache (and expense) has been for nothing. We want another child...there are MILLIONS waiting. Surely, something HAS to work out sometime.

Continuing on the same path...waiting for a referral of the perfect child from Ghana? It sounds exhausting. The wait will be long. It seems crazy to wait and wait and wait for the perfect child from Ghana when there are so many children waiting elsewhere for a family. But I just don't feel like I have it in me to start all over with another agency and another program.

So we'll wait. Until we simply cannot do it anymore. And then we'll re-evaluate.

Bad News

2009-08-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

It seems lately, day after day, we've been getting discouraging news. I keep thinking that "Today! Today will be the day the tide will change and we'll get good news." But it isn't happening.

Today was a day met with more discouraging news.

The fleece has gone unanswered.

Just more frustration.

It is oh so very hard to stay positive in the midst of all this discouragement.

The Airport

2009-08-16T20:50:00.001-07:00

This evening I drove to the airport to pick up my mentor and friend after a long field trip collecting plants. Our airport is a small airport. There is basically one big "waiting room" where people hang out before a loved-one departs and where others await their loved-one to arrive. I love hanging out at the airport. There are always happy reunions and tearful departures. That waiting room is always an emotional place for someone.

Tonight I watched as (what appeared to be) a youth group send off one of their dear friends to somewhere distant for a long period of time. There were tears. There were huddled prayer times (both before she left, and after she made her way up the escalator).

I watched as loved-ones arrived to eager hugs and kisses. I watched as little girls waited for their Daddy to come down the escalator to come home.

I watched as one young man waited for this special someone. He nervously watched the clock...and when people started coming down the escalator, he stood off to the side, watching and waiting...all the while holding a single long-stem rose.

As I watched these tender moments, I was reminded of those very emotional moments I've spent in airports. Some of which were in that very same room.

When I was a senior in college, I said good-bye to my worried parents in the airport as I headed off to Tanzania for a month-long trip. I was EXCITED. I knew this trip would have an impact on my life...I just didn't know how. I was nervous. My parents were worried. There were tears, but to be honest, my tears were short-lived. I was on an adventure!

The reunion after that trip was less emotional for me...but it was so great to return to happy (and proud) parents.

During our first year of marriage, Z and I were separated by war. He spent the entire first year of our marriage in Iraq. When he was granted his two-week leave to come home, I met him in the airport. The very same airport I sat in tonight. I was so incredibly excited that he was coming home for two weeks! We had talked through email leading up to these weeks...we made big plans. I knew those two weeks would go so fast. But at the same time, I was SCARED. Hugely scared. What if Z wasn't the same person I married? What if war had changed him? What if he no longer felt the same way when he saw me that he used to? What if we spent the whole two weeks fighting? I had heard of lots of soldiers who came home to crumbling relationships. I had heard of lots of soldiers having experiences during war that changed them. What if we didn't "connect" any more?

It turns out we were both nervous about this reunion. But, by the time we got his bags from the baggage claim, made our way to the car, and got out of the parking garage I knew we were going to be fine. We were talking like there hadn't been months and months of separation. Things were the same. WE were the same. I exhaled.

Two weeks later, I had to take him back to the airport. I cried. Buckets and buckets of tears. We were blessed to be given a pass for me to go wait in the terminal with him...so I didn't have to drop him off ages before his flight at leave. Instead I went with him to the terminal and waited until he boarded. He boarded at the last possible minute. And after he was gone, I sat in the terminal for another half-hour and cried.

But my most recent memory of the airport was of meeting my two boys for the very first time (in that very same airport). I brought my friend K to the airport with me that day. I hadn't slept much at all the night before - I was so excited! We arrived early, and I paced nervously as I waited for the plane to arrive. I worried about whether or not the boys would like me. What if they didn't like me, or were afraid of me? What if they didn't like the way I looked? What if, what if, what if? What if I made a blubbering fool of myself when I meet them? What are all these other people in the airport going to think when I start crying when these two little boys arrive with their daddy? Will Z look different to me when I see him for the first time as someone's daddy?

I remember huge tears escaping my eyes the very moment I saw them. I spotted Z first coming down the escalator...and as soon as the people in front of him reached the bottom, I could see those two precious boys holding his hands (one on each side of him). I was paralysed at that moment. I couldn't run toward them...I could only wait where I was for them to come to me. I bent down, mumbled "hello", "welcome home" and "I love you" to each of them and handed them the stuffed toy I had brought to the airport for them. We spent a little time hanging out there, getting acquainted...Our homestudy social worker and her family came to meet us there and it was wonderful to have that moment with another person who knew what that moment felt like...The time was surreal.

The airport is a special place. Its hard for me to go to an airport without those memories creeping to the surface. Those memories contain some of the very hardest moments and some of the best moments of my life.

And The Winner Is....

2009-08-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

My friend Carolyn has updated her blog to let us all know who one the quilt raffle! I am so humbled that a little something that I whipped up with my mom has raised such a huge amount of money!! So exciting!! A huge thank you to all of you who went to Carolyn's blog and donated some money toward this great cause. The raffle for this quilt is over...but there is still time to donate money. Hop on over to Carolyn's blog to read more!

Below copied from Carolyn's blog:
REBECCA MAAS has won the quilt!!! We have raised about $3250. toward the fence due to this raffle! AMAZING!!! Thanks so much Chanda and Peggy for this BEAUTIFUL piece of art!!!

We are going to do this quite often....Raffles are way fun...

THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR SUPPORT and encouragement to get through the first phase....

AWESOME...just AWESOME!!! I believe the tattoo day (MONDAY) is gonna bring in the rest.....I will so be taking pictures of this ordeal!!

Please keep the prayers coming!

Reiman Gardens, Take 2

2009-08-10T20:04:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, my mom and my niece *M* came to visit. We had a great time spending the weekend with them...and one of the highlights was our afternoon at Reiman Gardens.

The botanist in me likes to think the kids really enjoyed seeing all the flowers. But, the realist in me knows that the kids were far more interested in the giant dinosaur models and butterflies. Oh, well...at least we had pretty things to look at!

Here are a few photos from the day:

Proverb of the Day

2009-08-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

"Live patiently in the world knowing that those who hate you are more numerous than those those who love you."
-African Proverb

Can you believe he's 7 already???

2009-08-09T19:03:00.000-07:00

Today was Jellybean's 7th Birthday. I can't believe he's 7 already. Craziness I tell you...absolute craziness.

Now, Jellybean has had a while to think about what he wanted to do for his birthday this year and he was VERY specific about what he wanted.

He wanted to go bowling for his birthday. He wanted cousins D and A to come along. He wanted to go eat pizza at Pizza Hut. He also wanted to have yellow cake in the shape of a rectangle with chocolate frosting and sprinkles.

So, I guess he got the birthday party of his dreams today. Bowling, cousins, pizza, cake, plus presents.

He had a great day!

I'm Afraid This Is About To Get Long...

2009-08-07T15:26:00.000-07:00

How does that saying go? "When amongst friends you should never talk about religion or politics." Or something like that. I admit that I don't follow that rule very well...though, its usually politics that gets me tripped up.

I've never said that I was a perfect Christian. I know that I am FAR from it. I don't think there is such a thing...unless you're Jesus Christ himself. We're human. We have failings. And I have my fair share (well...my fair share and a few more I picked up along the way). To be completely honest, sometimes I don't even bother trying to be more faithful. Sometimes it feels like too big of a burden.

Last night I had a chance to go out for dinner with a good friend of mine. I didn't realize just how much I NEEDED that get-away until we were sitting in the restaurant deep in conversation and the employees of the restaurant were cleaning around us (clearly hinting that "hey - we're closing - its time for you to go!"). We talked about what was going on in her life...and when she started wrapping that up, I totally took over the conversation to talk about what's going on in mine. Specifically what's going on with us in the adoption world.

During the course of the conversation, I realized that I have a problem. A spiritual problem to be exact.

I'm a little bit angry.

Let me explain. When we started the process to adopt, we were no where near ready to do so. It wasn't in our plans. It wasn't on our radar screen. Not even close. We hadn't financially recovered from the first adoption process. We were still getting used to the dynamics of being a family of 4 and to being parents. But our boys' little brother was in need of a place to go. Of course we HAD to do it. We didn't know how we'd manage, but we'd find a way.

We stepped out in faith.

Then things took a turn for the worse. Twinkie (the boys' brother) was no longer available for adoption. Other terrible things happened. We grieved. We took time to think and pray about what we should do. In the end, we decided that we still wanted to adopt again. We still felt like that was what was being asked of us. And we still felt connected to Ghana. We felt like perhaps we were supposed to be on this path to be ready at just the right moment to adopt the child who needed us the most.

We stepped out in faith.

We told Anita we were ready to continue on. The same day, she told me about a little girl in Ghana who has a long, tragic story (even though she's very young). Might we be interested? Think about it.

I haven't stopped thinking about it. About her.

But the truth is, this little girl's situation is complicated. Her future is a HUGE question-mark. Her health is complicated. She might have far more serious issues than we (than I) feel comfortable dealing with. I put together a packet of information about her to share with international adoption doctors, one of which spelled out a very bleak picture for this little girl.

We've been thinking about how we could make things work for us to adopt this little girl...and we haven't come up with any clear answers that we have peace about. She will have special needs (though no one knows to what extent). She will need to be in the kind of environment that will help her reach her full potential (whatever that is). But around here, daycare programs that would be suitable for her are unbelievably expensive. In the range of $800-$1,072 a month (plus what we have to pay for the boys' after school program (which is about $300 a month). We simply cannot afford it. Pure economics.

If I'm completely honest with myself, I KNOW that I feel something for this little girl for a reason. I KNOW that I am being called to play some role in her life. I KNOW that there's a reason why I can't get her out of my mind (even after we told Anita "no"). The problem is that I don't know exactly what my role is supposed to be.

And if I go even further with my honesty, I will admit that I am a little angry about that. Angry at God.

Yikes!

Got that? Yeah, I'm not perfect. Not even close. My faithlessness is clear to all when I say that I'm angry at God about this.

I'm angry because I'm tired. Stepping out in faith is not something that comes naturally to me. I don't like the "unknown". I don't like not knowing how we'll be able to do something. I don't like not having a plan. A plan where every step is clearly thought out and all expenses are accounted for.

But during this process, I've done it. I've stepped out in faith. I've believed that we were doing what we were supposed to be doing, even if it meant I felt a bit outside of my comfort zone.

I've stepped out in faith.

But He keeps asking me to do it over and over and over again during this process. He keeps pushing me to do MORE. Why? Why can't this step be good enough for now? Why do I have to keep pushing myself to go out further on a ledge? Why does it have to be an uphill battle all the way?

It isn't fair. I wish I could sit back in this wait and know that the perfect child is out there...and we'll know who she is at the right time. Instead, I am sitting here wondering if I already know who the perfect child is...I'm just too afraid to step out in faith again.

The truth is, I'm tired of stepping out in faith without getting a clear and obvious sign that "THIS - RIGHT HERE - THIS IS THE STEP YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO TAKE!!!"

"GO HERE AND I WILL HANDLE THE REST."

"TAKE THIS STEP AND HAVE PEACE IN YOUR HEART"

I can't do any more steps out in faith without that sign. This process is too hard. Its too complicated. Its too frustrating.

I'm admitting my weakness. I'm laying down my fleece.

I need a sign. A "knock you on the forehead" kind of sign.

Pray for me.

THAT Place

2009-07-29T16:03:00.000-07:00

I'm in THAT place. Emotionally speaking.

The place where I'd rather blog about crafting projects and other random websites than to spend time posting about the reason I have this blog in the first place(adoption-related news). I'm just in a painful place as far as adoption goes.

I am very excited about adding child #3 to our family. Really! I am!

But at the same time, this adoption process feels like its been going on FOREVER. On paper, we only became "referral ready" a couple of weeks ago. We've had so many stops and starts. So many ups...followed by very low downs. The fact that we've already had such a crazy roller-coaster ride and we're *only* to the point of "waiting for a referral" makes the road ahead seem very daunting.

We started thinking/praying/planning for this process over a year ago now (with a particular child in mind). Other families who started the process long after us are bringing children home...while we are just now starting to wait to find out who our child is.

It stinks, in so many eloquent words.

I don't want to be in this place. I don't want to wonder why our path turned out to be so painful and convoluted. I don't want to be the person who feels a tinge of jealousy when I hear about other families getting referrals and other children coming home. I want to be the person who can stand on the sidelines and cheer like crazy for every child who finds his/her forever family...even if I have to wait months and months and months.

But the truth is, this process is HARD. Waiting is HARD. And I'm not a perfectly patient person. I know that this is all adding to my character (as my mom would say). And at the end of the process, all of the pain will wash away. Our child is out there. There IS good news in our future.

But in the meantime, you (my faithful readers) might have to put up with some pretty pointless, boring posts. I'm just not sure I'm up to putting it all out there...not when I'm still working through the "stuff" myself.

Too Expensive

2009-07-29T13:00:00.000-07:00

Quite a while ago, I came across a site called "Cool Mom Picks". I happen to enjoy reading some of the posts on the site and have seen lots of interesting gadgets/toys/clothing/etc. on the site. Some things look like they would be genuinely helpful. Occasionally they have some interesting kid music posted. They also showcase some interesting Etsy sellers once in a while.

I love the idea of showcasing creative moms who sell their high-quality wares. I love the idea of buying all organic. I love the idea of buying only the very best (and the very safest) things for our children. And I even understand that if you want to have unique, artsy, indie, "cool" sorts of things that you might have to pull a little more cash out of your pocket-book to get it.

But the thing that drives me crazy about this site is that EVERYTHING is expensive. Who are these moms who can afford to spend $40 on a T-shirt for a 3 year-old??

One of today's posts is a good example of this. They were showcasing a children's furniture designer. One who uses high-quality renewable materials and safe water-based paints. One who creates interesting furniture pieces. And the plug today was for their new line of more AFFORDABLE children's furniture. The pieces in this new line are touted to be about half the price of the original line. Woo Hoo!! HALF the price! That's gotta be good, right? So I clicked on the picture of the crib in the post to find out just how AFFORDABLE half-off is for this designer. Turns out AFFORDABLE according to Cool Mom Picks is $565.00.

WHAT?!?!

That's affordable??

Who are these moms??

Let me give them a little lesson in AFFORDABILITY and eco-friendliness.

I recently purchased a crib for child number three's room (I'm hoping I get to use it...even if I have to use it in the toddler bed configuration instead of the crib configuration...but that's an entirely different post).

I purchased my crib for $50.

From a yard sale.

That's affordable. And its eco-friendly. I am re-using what otherwise may end up in the trash. There's no need to create all kinds of new furniture when we pass along what we've already used. If I want it a different color, I can paint it with my own kid-safe paints.

And if I do that, I will have spent less than $100 for my child's crib. I just need to buy a new mattress and I'm good to go.

I've had these thoughts about this site for as long as I've known about the site. There are great ideas there...like advice on finding safe alternatives to plastic baby bottles...or finding eco-friendly ways to pack your child's school lunch every day. There are interesting Etsy artisans...there's advice about finding resources for recalled items...and lots of other things.

But, in truth, every time I've seen something that I thought "I could use that" and I've clicked on the link, I've noticed that said item is WAY more expensive than is reasonable, given my budget. I think there needs to be a "Cool Mom Picks - Recession Edition" or something.

Usually if I find something I think is a great idea and I have to have it...I do a quick search online to see if I can find the same item (or something similar) much cheaper. I also search for patterns (or recipes) for things that I can just make myself. But to be completely honest, I haven't found anything on the site that I Just. Had. To. Have. But I have made a thing or two that was similar to something they put on their site. And I've learned some things along the way. And...if there's ever a baby around these parts, then I've learned some things from the site that might be helpful.

Ok. Rant over.

QUILT RAFFLE!!!

2009-07-24T14:19:00.001-07:00

Please go to my friend Carolyn's blog and follow the directions to get your name in to win a quilt!! A quilt that I made!!

My mom and I made two quilts for Project HOPEFUL...and the time has come to raffle one of them to raise some funds. Please go check out the quilt and buy some raffle tickets!

Project HOPEFUL is an organization that advocates for the adoption of HIV+ orphans from all over the world. Carolyn works tirelessly to find families for these children, and to help the families who choose to bring these kids into their homes. She is doing her very best to make this process easier for families.

Let's sell some raffle tickets for a GREAT cause!!!

GO HERE.

DIY

2009-07-17T08:31:00.000-07:00

When I'm going through a funk, I've found that the best thing for me to do is to find some sort of "project" to work on. Yesterday I found a project.

We've been looking for a dresser for child #3's room...but wanted to keep it CHEAP. I've been looking at garage sales and Craig's list for a little while. We've seen a few that would work, but always passed them by thinking something else would come along that would work better.

Yesterday I went to a garage sale and found a little dresser that I think will work just fine. And, because it isn't made out of real wood, I felt completely ok about my plans to paint it.

So yesterday I painted.

I still have to play around with the order of the drawers so they fit better in their spots and don't look crooked...but I'll worry about that when I get it in the house and up into the right room.

Hormones

2009-07-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

I think I'm going through a case of adoption-related hormone problems. I'm tired and moody and cranky and uber-sensitive. And I feel like I'm on the verge of tears All.THE.TIME.

I promise a real post soon.

When I'm over my funk.

Father's Day 2009 (a little late)

2009-07-08T18:45:00.001-07:00

Obama - Welcome to the land of gold.

2009-07-07T09:35:00.001-07:00

It's starting to feel real...

2009-07-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

Now that we are officially back on the road to adoption...I feel like I can start making some preparations for who our next little one will be. The most recent decision? This fabric. Cute, no? Lime green and purple. Can't beat that color combo (in my opinion, anyway).

The Two Emotions

2009-06-30T20:26:00.000-07:00

If you remember WAY back to January, you know that our process to adopt again officially began somewhere around there. We dutifully started our homestudy and we got ALMOST done when things started falling apart.

So we stopped.

And we waited.

And we prayed.

And we thought about things.

And we kept right on thinking and praying until we felt ready to make the decision.

Then we decided.

And we had to pick up that homestudy right where it was and finish it up.

So last week, we started working on that 10 hours of adoption training that was necessary to complete our homestudy. The training that we chose to do was a DVD series by Bryan Post. The series is great...and we got a lot out of it (things that we can definitely use in our understanding of the boys). But one of the things that stood out to me a few days after completing the series, was that Bryan Post reminded me that there are only 2 emotions.

Got that?

Two Emotions.

Love and Fear.

That's it. Those two emotions rule our lives. All of our behavior, in one way or another, stems from these two emotions.

One of the things that has brought this home to me lately is the reaction that friends and family members have to another adoption. Now I'm not talking specifically about ONLY my family. I've noticed during my time hanging out in the adoption community that my family is not the only family that struggles with our news. My family isn't the only family that lets fear dominate their reactions. My family isn't the only family that has a lukewarm reception (or a downright cold reception, in some instances).

Families are tough nuts to crack sometimes. As the person announcing your adoption-in-process, you want nothing more than your family to jump up and down with excitement. You want them to ask you what you need and for the crafty ones in the family to start knitting or sewing for your new little one. You want them to ask questions about how the process is going and to show some genuine excitment when things are moving forward (or genuine disappointment when things don't go as quickly or smoothly as you'd hoped). You want your family to play an active part in the process...just as they would if you had announced a pregnancy.

But all too often, this isn't the case.

Instead you hear stories of families who ask ridiculous questions like "will the child be sick and diseased?" or "Do you realize they have HIV in that country?" or "Why don't you adopt from country X (where there are white children) instead of from country Y (in Africa)?" or "Why don't you want kids of YOUR OWN?"

Family members will often site lots of reasons why adoption is bad...or they'll tell adoption horror stories (that may or may not have any truth to them at all) that they've heard from a friend of a friend of a friend. They'll give a cool reception to the adoptive parent's faces, and then talk about how bad the decision is behind their backs. They'll wonder how on earth you could afford to spend thousands of dollars on an adoption process when you drive a beat-up old mini-van and have stained carpets in your living room. They'll wonder how you could possibly handle one more person in your home, when you're already busy handling the ones you have.

They'll think of a million reasons NOT to support you. They react in fear.

When all they really need is ONE reason TO support you.

They LOVE you.

One reason is all they need. But instead, they let fear override them...and you, the adoptive parent, have to suffer the consequences of their fear.

Its sad, right?

SCARED

2009-06-29T16:35:00.000-07:00

Scared - A Novel on the Edge of the World from Children's HopeChest on Vimeo.

Have you read this book yet?!?!?
I read most of this book while sitting in a tent during an especially rainy and stormy night during our family camping trip. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep, so I turned on the flashlight and started to read. This book is fantastic. Its not "light reading" by any means. The topic is heavy stuff. You'll need kleenexes - more than once. Its a must read, if you ask me.

The publishers of this book also think its important for you to read. So important, that they are giving electronic copies of the book away for free. GO HERE to get your copy and START READING!

A generation born with HIV/AIDS defies the odds

2009-06-22T18:41:00.000-07:00

A CNN Article

Go HERE.

In Need of a Sign

2009-06-19T09:02:00.000-07:00

Ok...I'm going to put it out there. I've been having this internal dialogue with myself and I just need to get a part of it out here. Partly to vent...and partly because I'm hoping someone will have some advice...some insight for me about this.

We've come to learn about a beautiful little girl in Ghana who needs a mommy and daddy. Her situation is a bit special...so the adoption process could be longer and more complicated than "normal"...maybe. This particular little girl has the potential to have more "issues" than we would have normally said we were willing or able to handle. I won't go in to detail about what those issues are...but let's just say this little girl had a VERY rough start to her life.

She is young (just barely a year old now), and normally I would have thought that Z would say "no way!" just based on that. He's never been interested in having little babies or young toddlers around. He doesn't have a lot of experience with them...so he thinks he's bad at it...plus he says you can't reason with them! LOL! He's always been of the opinion that we should adopt children who are a little older (like 4-6 years old).

But...it turns out that Z is especially taken with this little girl. He is the one who has urged me to get more information about her. And the more we learn about her, the stronger the pull.

I feel the pull, too...but I also feel a bit of fear about the unknown. What if her health (mental or physical) is more complicated than we are prepared to handle?

Should she be in a family who has a stay-at-home parent? If she comes here, she'll have to be in daycare during the schoolyear. Is that fair to her? Could we be the best possible parents for her, even if she has to be in daycare during the schoolyear?

I've told only a very, very few people about this little girl. Each one of them, during some point in the conversation has said "you have to think about the boys that you already have". Ok...what I'm about to write is in no way meant to make those people feel bad, but...How could we NOT think about the boys we have?!? Of course we take the boys into account when we think about the direction our family is taking. And I know they mean well. I know that they mean "are you sure you are going to have time to give the boys what they need and care for a child who might have some special needs?" I get that. I do. Adding any child to our family will take away a certain amount of time from the boys...granted she might have more intense needs than the "average" kiddo. But isn't it also possible that having a child like her in our family might actually enrich the boys' lives in immeasurable ways?

How do you KNOW that you are on the right path? I thought we were on the right path with our last situation and that ended badly. I don't want to go down the wrong path again - its too hurtful. But I don't want my fear to get in the way of us going down the right path, either. If its the right path.

How do you KNOW that you are on the right path??

So please...come out of lurkdome and share your thoughts.
Share your experiences with following a path that lead you into the unknown. Share stories about adopting special needs kids. Share the good stuff...share the bad stuff.

I could use all the help I can get!

And the decision is....

2009-06-18T18:05:00.000-07:00

We've finally made a decision about our adoption plans. Whew!

We're heading back to Ghana...this time (hopefully) for a little girl between the ages of 1 and 4 years old.

It feels good to be back on the road again. A little scary, but good. Now we just need to work on that paperwork and gathering all the needed funds. Details!

The Snake Eggs Hatched!

2009-06-15T16:19:00.001-07:00

After our trip to the Science Center (see below), we headed in to my lab to see the new additions. Baby Corn Snakes! I've been telling the boys when the eggs hatched they could come in and see them. And yesterday was the day.

Z hid behind the camera and REFUSED to get close to the snakes. He's such a scaredy-cat!

We even took some time to hang out with the Mama and Papa snakes, too.

A Day At The Science Center

2009-06-15T15:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we spent a special day at the Science Center of Iowa. The boys had TONS of fun checking everything out...and watching "Under The Sea" at the IMAX Theater. Poor Jellybean thought everything in the movie was jumping out at him - he held on to my arm pretty tight during the whole movie!

Here are some photos - in no particular order.

A Sad Loss

2009-06-13T20:51:00.000-07:00

On Friday, two climbers fell to their death on Mt. McKinley. One of these climbers was Dr. Andrew Swanson; an orthopedic surgeon from Mankato, Minnesota.

I'm posting about his death here, because he will be missed not only in his hometown and his home state...but also in Ghana. He volunteered his time there to perform surgeries on children who needed corrective spinal surgery.

His life touched many. His hands healed many who otherwise had no hope of a normal life. A sad loss, indeed.

Did I do good enough to go to Kindergarten?

2009-06-12T15:02:00.000-07:00

When our boys arrived home from Ghana, one of the first things they wanted to do was go to school! Both of the boys love learning...they are very curious...and they wanted to go be with other kids at school. We knew that the boys weren't ready to tackle school right away (they arrived in January at ages 4 and 5), so Z and I made an executive decision to keep them home until Fall, when Jellybean would enter Kindergarten at age 6. But Peanut wasn't old enough to enter school in the fall...and he had a VERY hard time accepting the fact that Jellybean got to go to school and he didn't.

Jellybean has done so well in Kindergarten this past school year! We have seen him grow and learn and really blossom. He is gaining independence and is really becoming his own person.

Peanut, on the other hand, has kind of struggled going to daycare. Sure, he does fine...but he's the kind of kid who emulates the other kids around him. At daycare, that means he starts acting like the younger kids. When he first arrived home, he would spend tons of time coloring and being creative. He would use tons of different colors and was meticulous about staying in the lines when he would color. When he would arrive home from daycare, he would bring color pages where he used one color and just scribbled some lines across the page. Our daycare provider does do a preschool program...but it covered only the stuff he already knew. He was BORED.OUT.OF.HIS.MIND.

This spring, our school district had Kindergarten round-up. The incoming Kindergarteners for the fall spend 2 hours a day for 4 days "going to school". They are then evaluated by two teachers to determine their readiness for K in the fall. Peanut is a SMART kid. He knows more than many incoming kids do. He catches onto things quickly (probably more quickly than Jellybean), and he is innately curious about the world around him.

He was so excited to go to Kindergarten. He LOVED every minute of his time during the evaluation...and at the end, he asked the principal if he did good enough to come to Kindergarten.

But a week later we got THE LETTER. The letter that said the teachers doing his evaluation didn't think he was ready for Kindergarten. They recommended he go to Pre-K for a year instead (Pre-K is 2 hours a day for 4 days a week). There was NO information about Peanut specifically in the letter. There was not a single reason listed for their recommendation. Just their recommendation.

So, I called the school and set up a meeting with the teachers. The teachers doing the evaluation were Jellybean's current K teacher and a Pre-K teacher from the school. To be fair, we LOVE Jellybean's teacher. She is wonderful. She is receptive. She really cares about her students. And as a plus, she has experience in ESL.

The Pre-K teacher, though? Yeah...from the very first thing that came out of her mouth at the meeting, I knew I wasn't going to like her. The VERY first thing she said to us (with disdain in her voice) was "Your son doesn't know how to use a scissor." Excuse me? This is now the current standard for determining when a child is ready to go to school? What with all the getting used to living in a new family and a new country, and all of the attachment parenting, and working on social behaviors apparently we haven't spent enough time cutting paper with scissors. However, I KNOW that Peanut knows how to use a scissor. I've watched him do it.

So Z told her he knew how to use a scissor. And she replied with what became her standard mantra "I've been doing this for 25 years and I know kids..."

So I asked her what she did when she discovered that he didn't know how to use scissors? Well...she helped him, of course. She went over and helped him hold the scissor and helped him cut out what he needed to cut out. Hmm...Sounds to me like Peanut got EXACTLY what he wanted in that situation. Extra attention from the teacher. And he didn't have to do the work.

You see, Peanut is a child who has had a tough time with the attachment "stuff". Sure, he loves us...he probably even likes us...but attachment hasn't come easily. And he has a repeating pattern when he encounters new adults. His survival strategy is to "be adorable". It sounds funny, but its true. He's adorable. He bats his eyelashes, he acts younger than he is, he acts helpless, and he asks for help with things that he (and we) knows he can do himself. Since he's so darn cute, adults who don't know him often go out of their way to do what he asks of them. And he gets exactly what he wants. He is a master manipulator. Its worked for him...why shouldn't he keep it up? He will only really stop doing it when it stops working for him.

Of course, to the teachers it looks like he isn't ready to go to school.

We discussed all of the behavior issues the teachers encountered with him and explained our position to them (one of which was receptive...the other not so much). When we left the meeting, we had the distinct feeling that the Pre-K teacher had this pre-conceived notion about our family that since we'd only been parents for a year and a half, what the heck do we know? Of course we'd just take her recommendation and go with it. Wrong.

I wanted to say "I wish you could see how far he's come in the past year."

I wanted to say "You would have told me that Jellybean wasn't ready for Kindergarten either...but look how well he's done! And Peanut is more ready now than Jellybean was a year ago."

I wanted to ask the Pre-K teacher who kept saying "I've been doing this for 25 years and I know kids" how many of those kids in the past 25 years had been adopted internationally and only been in the U.S. for a year and a half.

But I didn't.

As soon as the meeting was over, we headed to the school office and signed the waiver stating that we knew he had been recommended for Pre-K, but we were overriding the decision and registering him for Kindergarten.

Do I think we made the right decision?
Yes

Do I think he is going to transition to K easily?
He'll probably have a rough couple of weeks/month at the beginning.

But the most important thing for us was to get him in a structured learning environment. None of the issues they talked with us about were really maturity issues...they were his way of testing the boundaries. From the moment Peanut got off the airplane, he needed to know where ALL the boundaries were ALL. THE. TIME. Every time he encountered something (or someone) new, he would test the boundaries. Once he knows where they are he does just fine. But that isn't going to go away if he goes to Pre-K for a year. He'll still do the same thing when he gets to K. It will just make him a year older than all of his classmates.

Lonely No More

2009-06-10T17:44:00.000-07:00

Today is the day! As I type, Z is on his way back home from his weeks away with military obligations. Its been a long few weeks...but in the end, the separation will have been less than we expected. And, I am so incredibly thankful that he will not be gone for an entire deployment (though, I know its still within the realm of possibility). For now, I will enjoy having my husband back home and worry about the future stuff later.

Please keep the men and women of the 445th Transportation Company in your thoughts and prayers as they continue to train and eventually head to Iraq for a year. They are a second family for Z and I know that he will miss them (and worry about them) tremendously. He's happy to be able to stay home with us...but I know he feels torn.

This is a photo of a few of the 445th soldiers as they prepared to head out of their hometown to begin training.

Ghana

2009-06-08T13:43:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Anita is in Ghana right now. I know she's busy. After all...she's there to do work as well as file paperwork for her own adoption and spend time with her beautiful new daughter.

But I'm really impatient.

I want her to stop everything and email me (just kidding...kind of). I want to know everything I can about a certain little someone.

I've been not doing anything about child #3 for a long time now. Months, in fact. I'm at the place where I want someone to say "Ready. Set. Go!" And a race to the finish will begin.

Compliments

2009-06-07T08:15:00.000-07:00

This morning I was surprised to be greeted with a series of wonderful compliments from the boys.

"Mommy - you're the best mommy!"
"Mommy - you're the bestest mommy in the whole world!"
"Yeah - the bestest mommy in the whole world!"
"And you're the best cooker, too."

To which I replied "Thank you boys, I'm glad that you think I'm a good mommy and I'm glad that you like the food that I cook."

"And the cereal!"

Ok...now I get it. I'm the "best mommy" and the "best cooker" because I know how to pour cereal out of a box, into a bowl. And very occassionally, that cereal is Captain Crunch - with crunchberries.

Did you know...

2009-06-06T12:47:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I took the boys to see Up at the movie theater as a special treat. Z was going to be home the next day and I was too excited for him to get home...yet too exhausted from the past month of single-parenting it to entertain the boys for another Saturday. So, we went to the first showing of the day - at 11:00am. We all loved the movie...but I especially LOVED the short film before the movie.

Partly Cloudy.

And now you can download it on iTunes. Who knew?

Decisions

2009-06-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

For the past month or so, I have been intentionally NOT thinking about adoption. With Z being gone, there isn't anything we can do about it anyway...so I haven't been thinking about it. I haven't been participating in the forums. I haven't been following the families in process much lately...and even though I know there are lots of new kiddos in care, I haven't gone online to look through their photos.

During this month that Z has been gone (so far), I haven't stopped thinking about child #3. Both Z and I know that our family isn't quite complete. We still have more love to give. We still have room for one more. We still feel like we have another child out there somewhere.

But sometimes when I think about adoption, I just feel weary.

I think that is why I've been thinking about having a biological child so much lately. There's the cute and cuddly infant involved. The adorable, TINY, clothes. The attachment issues fade away. The worry about whether or not my child will be discriminated against in our community fades away. The seemingly endless amounts of paperwork goes away. The process is more familiar (to our family members and friends), you know (about) when the process ends and when you get to hold your new baby. There are risks, sure...but they seem smaller. This option seems SAFE.

But, does it feel like its the RIGHT thing for us? I don't know. I think I could get pregnant and be happy. Yet, I don't know if I feel that way because its what is meant for us, or if its because I want things to be easier. Not that pregnancy and birth and rearing an infant are easy. But the process is different. It seems less risky...and it seems like the path of least resistance. Right now I. DON'T. WANT. RESISTANCE.

But maybe the path of least resistance is not meant to be my path.

So I'm back to thinking about adoption. Wondering where child #3 is. Wondering if a particular child might be our missing daughter. Wondering if I'm ready to take the leap. Wondering if I'm ready to head back in the direction of Ghana - where a part of our hearts are - where we will always have family. All the while feeling so tired of being wishy-washy for so long.

For those of you who are of the praying persuasion...we'd appreciate prayers for clarity and for a unified decision on our plans for child #3. We have to make a decision relatively soon...even if the decision is to simply wait.

***EDIT***
The above discussion about pregnancy and having a biological child is in no way meant to make it sound like getting pregnant and having a bio child are EASY. I have so many dear friends in the adoption community who have struggled with infertility...and I in no way want them to think that I view what they wanted so much to be easy. Z and I have never tried to have bio children. It wasn't where our hearts were...we entered into the world of adoption because we wanted to be parents, and we knew there were millions of children already in the world who needed what we had to offer.

Photo Op

2009-06-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

There's a little boy who lives at my house who would TOTALLY ask President Obama if he could touch his hair to see if it felt the same as his.

CNN Article

2009-06-05T10:08:00.000-07:00

THIS is worth the read. THIS is one of the reasons why HIV is spreading. THIS is why education is so very, very important.

I hate rain

2009-05-26T18:30:00.001-07:00

Yes. I know that's a strong statement. But right about now, I would be perfectly happy if the rain STOPPED, and didn't come back.

I'm becoming very familiar with the function of this:

And this:

I've been sucking up water from the basement again tonight. Along with dealing with 3 wet dogs...and a dog who WON'T. STOP. BARKING. because he is confined to a room with linoleum flooring.

Not to mention a small child who has suddenly started acting out (I am sure it is related to Z being gone for such a long time...its confusing for him...even though we talk about why he's gone and what will happen when he comes back home). He's gone back to his stand-by method of defiance - not eating (or eating agonizingly slowly). Ugh.

Anyone have a husband you could send over here for a day or two? Mind you...I'm perfectly capable of handling all of this on my own. But...

I'M TIRED.

African Proverb

2009-05-26T07:20:00.001-07:00

"Many little people in many small places undertaking many modest actions can transform the world."

A Real Dining Room Table!

2009-05-19T20:04:00.001-07:00

My parents were here this past weekend and they delivered our new-to-us dining room table and chairs!! I am so excited about it! We FINALLY have a REAL table! We've been eating on this tiny table for so long. The 4 of us could fit around it, but we certainly couldn't add any more people...and we definitely couldn't serve food on the table and eat at the table at the same time. Now we have a table where we can serve food and all eat comfortably. Not to mention it has 4 leaves in it...so we could actually fit 12 people around our table!! Though, we'd have to scrounge for chairs! This table is a family heirloom...and it means a lot to me that we have it. It required some repair before we got it and my parents totally blessed us by having the repair done as a gift. We love it!!

Try to ignore the mail and schoolwork on the table. Just pretend its a nice clean table top. Note the red rose...I received another one today...perhaps that "single rose every Monday" trend is continuing while Z is gone. He's such a romantic. I miss him.

Dog of Destruction

2009-05-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

Aww...he's adorable, right?

But, he's also destructive (as all puppies are). He just has a bigger mouth and more strength than the average pup. I've come home to dog prints on my walls...

Chew marks in my walls...

The toilet paper holder in the living room (with toilet paper pieces all over)...

Not to mention the crazy wet dog photo I posted last week.

Why can't he just be this cute all the time (and not chew on my stuff)?!?!?

I know, I know. He's a puppy. That's what he does. And we love Baloo anyway (though we hope he grows out of this destructive stage soon)! I also know that I shouldn't complain. I know of dogs who have done FAR WORSE. Gosh...I hope it doesn't get worse!!

Today's Calendar

2009-05-19T10:27:00.001-07:00

There is not a tree which has not been swayed by a breeze.
-North African Proverb

This proverb seems fitting for me at the moment...as I waffle back and forth over the options we're pondering for child #3. I still don't know what the answer is, but for some reason, I feel like the wind is changing. Maybe we'll head in a completely different direction than we ever really anticipated.

Either way, with Z gone for military stuff, the final decision needs to wait a while. After all, we can't make a decision about something this BIG in a 5-minute phone conversation at the end of the day.

Adding Some Color

2009-05-14T19:30:00.001-07:00

The idea of having a big growing garden this summer has fizzled bit by bit. With Z being gone, it just isn't going to happen. But, we have been adding touches of colors here and there...and I did manage to get an herb garden planted (though I just realized I didn't take any photos of it). Even the boys got into the action and had to have their own flowers. They each have a hanging basket of flowers (pansies and snap dragons). I love the fuschia plants...we even had a hummingbird visitor this afternoon!

Gotta Love This

2009-05-14T12:00:00.001-07:00

Two reasons why I'm sick of the rain...

2009-05-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

Ok...we're getting lots of rain in our area...and I'm tired of it. Water seeping into the basement (making it wet, dirty, and stinky)...and then there's these guys. They make the rest of the house wet, dirty, and stinky!! ARGH!

Look What I Got

2009-05-12T18:47:00.001-07:00

When Z was deployed to Iraq in 2004, the sweetest thing he did for me was arrange for a single rose to be delivered to my office EVERY Monday. During that period of the war, we weren't able to talk much over the phone (only 7 times during the whole year) but those flowers were a physical reminder that he was still "here" and that he was still thinking about me. Thankfully, we were able to chat online fairly often during that year, but I really missed hearing the sound of his voice. I dried all of those flowers and still have them in glass display jars. I'm not sure what I'll do with them...but I can't bring myself to get rid of them.

And this little guy? Jellybean made him for me at school. He was supposed to be my Mother's Day gift, but Jellybean hid him in the closet and forgot him until Monday...so his arrival was a little late. But, I don't mind. Jellybean reminded me tonight that I have to pour water on his head everyday so his hair will grow.

Quote of the Day

2009-05-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

Life may change us, but we start and end with family.

Happy Mom's Day

2009-05-10T19:47:00.001-07:00

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms and moms-to-be out there! I hope that you all had a wonderful day with your family.

We had a fairly low-key day around here. We slept in (well, after I went upstairs to tell the boys to be quiet and go back to sleep at 5:45am), had a picnic at a park with friends, played at the playground, did some grocery shopping and flower shopping, and then planted the flowers in pots for our front porch.

This weekend has been kind of a trying one for the boys. Its the first weekend of this mobilization...so its the first weekend without Z being home. Sure, we miss him during the week, too, but our schedules are so busy that things don't feel as different during the week. But the weekend is when the boys really *feel* him being gone. As a result, this was a weekend of acting out and not listening very well.

I'm doing my best to be patient...to not be hard on them when I know they are acting out because they miss their daddy (even if they can't/won't verbalize it). But its hard to be as patient and loving as I want to be when I miss him, too...some days we're all just grumpy! But we're getting through it one day at a time.

Peanut Funny

2009-05-08T07:22:00.000-07:00

I know that I post more Peanut funnies than I do Jellybean funnies, but this kid is seriously funny sometimes. This is a snippet of our conversation last night in the car-ride home:

Peanut: "Mommy? When we get home you have to clean my shoes for me."

Me: "I have to clean your shoes? You go them dirty so I think you should clean your shoes."

Peanut: "No. YOU have to clean my shoes."

Me: "Why?"

Peanut: "Because it was YOUR idea that I wear these shoes!!"

Oh goodness! Yesterday morning I put his crocs out for him to wear because I knew he would be playing outside at daycare and that he'd likely be in the sandbox getting sand all over everything. Crocs are MUCH easier to clean than tennis shoes, so I made the executive decision that he wear crocs. But, apparently since it was MY idea for him to wear them, then it also must be MY responsibility to clean them when he gets dirty.

This kid is too funny sometimes.

And no...I didn't clean them for him. And they weren't actually that dirty.

World Aids Day

2009-05-07T11:25:00.000-07:00

Go HERE.

Read THIS.

Words to live by

2009-05-04T07:15:00.000-07:00

"Keep your eyes on your destination and not where you stumbled."
-Nigerian Proverb

1 May 2009

2009-05-01T07:15:00.000-07:00

"If you want to catch a monkey, behave like one."
-Mozambican proverb

Alright...I know...I owe you all an ACTUAL post. We've got a lot on our plates right now, with Z getting ready to mobilize with his unit, but I've got a lot milling around in my head that I'll eventually put into writing. Some of which includes random thoughts about daycare, kindergarten screening, military deployments, water in the basement, smelly dogs, new curtains, and many other things.

In the meantime, I have a couple of posts up on my OTHER BLOG that you are welcome to enjoy until I get some time to post here. Patience, my friends...patience.

Happy May!

Calendar

2009-04-20T06:36:00.000-07:00

Today:
"There are three things worth having in this world: courage, common sense and caution."
-Nigerian Proverb

From Saturday:
"If you do what you should not do, you will see what you should not see."
-Ghanaian Proverb

Siblings

2009-04-19T13:36:00.000-07:00

When our boys first came home, they were close. They did EVERYTHING together. Playing, sleeping, eating, etc. They both HAD to do the same things - all the time. When Jellybean started going to school, things obviously had to change. They could no longer do everything together and they each had to learn how to break out of their shells and make new friends. Which they've done - really well.

But these days I'm noticing something else. Until recently, when they played, they played really well together. They took turns implementing each other's imaginative play ideas. They cooperated. They shared. They laughed and had fun. And if they disagreed, it ended quickly.

But lately? For the past few weeks we've had all kinds of crazy arguments, disagreements, and complaint sessions. They don't cooperate so much anymore. They don't share and play the way they used to. They still play, but now there's a whole lot of arguing going on along with it.

I'm not liking this change very much. This morning I had to institute the "Jellybean sits on this side of the room and Peanut sits on the other side of the room" rule because I was so tired of listening to the constant bickering going on.

They argue over EVERYTHING these days.

Once in a while its pretty funny to walk in the room and realize they are having an argument over whether or not the girl they saw on TV was a princess or not. But mostly its just tiring to constantly play referee.

I'm hoping its a short phase. But I also grew up with brothers...and know that I should probably be a little more realistic.

Classic Cartoons

2009-04-18T11:57:00.001-07:00

Today is a dreary, rainy kind of day in our neck of the woods...so the boys are hanging out in the house. They've decided they want to have a "Jammie Day" so after we ran our errands this morning (including our first garage sale of the season), they changed back into their pajamas.

Yesterday I stopped by our local Borders bookstore and noticed that they had most of their CDs and DVDs marked down 50%!! I managed to find two VeggieTales DVDs and the DVD release of the first 3 seasons of The Gummi Bears. Anyone else remember this cartoon?

The boys have been hanging out in their pajamas watching Gummi Bears today...and they are loving it. We don't watch a ton of TV around here, but having the boys singing the Gummi Bears theme song and enjoying a cartoon that I enjoyed when I was a kid is pretty fun. Why don't they make cartoons like this anymore??

Calendar

2009-04-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

My African Wisdom calendar has this to say:

It is not where you are but what you do there that matters.
-Rwandese Proverb

Wishy, Washy

2009-04-15T12:15:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling so wishy-washy lately about what our adoption plans should be. I've been thinking about ALL of our options...trying on one idea for a day or two, changing my mind, and trying another. So far, nothing has struck me as the "right" path just yet. I know there is a path forward, I am just stuck at the crossroads wondering about which path we should start walking down.

And our agency representatives (bless them all) are probably so tired of me asking questions that are scattered all over the map!

One path I had not considered until today is the path of adopting a child (or sibling pair) older than our boys. I know there are LOTS of older kids waiting for families. I guess I always just thought that people who have experience parenting older kids should adopt the older kids. We're newbies to this parenting gig, after all. But...today (all day today) this issue has been on my mind. Why aren't we considering the older kids?

So...for those of you who have adopted older kids (like ages 5-10), please feel free to leave me some feedback. I want to know about the good, the bad, the ugly, and the wonderful. I'd love to know how you prepared your kids at home for new siblings who were older than them. I'd love to know how you transitioned them to public school (if your kids go to public school). I'd love to know if language was an issue. I'd love to know if attachment issues made things hard. I'd love to know about experiences of "twinning" adopted children. I want to know about all of those things (and lots more).

And, if you're of the praying persuasion...we'll take all the help we can get making this decision. Its been a really difficult one for us.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T11:30:00.001-07:00

Happy Easter Everyone! We've been having a great Easter here...We dyed eggs Saturday morning, Church on Saturday evening, an Easter Egg Hunt on Sunday morning, followed by Easter Baskets and lots of fun playing with what was inside. The boys each got a Lego racecar, a hoodie, and some candy in their baskets. But, the thing that was the biggest hit?!?! The thing that I bought on a whim as I was about to leave the store. Whoopie Cushions. The boys LOVED them!! Jellybean's lasted about 15 minutes, but Peanut still has his (and is sharing it nicely with his big brother). Boys and their toys. I have to admit, though...seeing their faces as I showed them what it was and how it worked was totally priceless!

Attack of the Green-Eyed Monster

2009-04-10T14:54:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been feeling a bit...hmm...how do I put it? Jealous. Yep - there it is. Out there for the world to see. I'm jealous.

In the adoption world, you make connections with other families who've been through this process before (or are going through it with you). Not many people have the advantage of having someone in their neighborhood or family who have gone through the adoption process, so you reach out to others on the internet. Over the past few weeks I've noticed that more and more of my internet friends have good news to share - they've passed court, are traveling to pick up their child, etc. Some of them are people who started the process after we did.

Now...I don't want you all to think that I'm not happy for you. I am. Really and truly happy for you.

But for me? It kinda stinks. Here we are....STILL not done with the homestudy. Still working out our next move. Still wondering if we can take this leap of faith and come up with the money.

I'm not writing this to be whiny in any way. Its just the truth. Sometimes the adoption process is hard. Sometimes its frustrating. And sometimes it brings out the very worst parts of your character (like letting someone else's good news make you jealous).

But sometimes adoption is also amazing, and wonderful...and brings out the very best in your character.

And at the end of your journey all those times of waiting and frustration go away. In the end, the timing seems perfect. As though it was planned out in advance.

I'm looking forward to that part.

Finding the Silver Lining

2009-04-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the opportunity to have a much-needed catch-up session with one of my dear girlfriends over appetizers and a drink at one of our favorite places. Because both of us have been so busy lately, we haven't had the opportunity to get together as much as we normally would. It was clear from the beginning of our meeting last night that we had a lot of catching up to do.

She went through her stuff...we chatted some more...and then I went through my "stuff". After sharing information about the death of our boys' baby sister in Ghana, the subsequent loss of the boys' little brother, and the deployment of Z's Army Reserve unit I felt like a big ol' ball of sunshine. It wasn't until I sat down across from my friend and filled her in on everything that has been going on with us that it finally hit me that we have a lot of heavy stuff going on in our lives right now.

As of right now, Z isn't being deployed overseas, but his unit's deployment and his absence for a couple of months while he helps them train and do paperwork will most definitely play a big part in our lives for the next year or so. And the dear friend who sat across from me at the table last night is one of the few people in my life that I know really "gets" what Army life is like. She and I suffered through the last deployment together...we spent many evenings in our jammies watching movies while clutching our cell phones in case we got a phone call. We both leaned on each other a lot during that year.

But I also know that in times of turmoil, there is tremendous opportunity for personal growth. I have held my two Ghanaian blessings a little closer these days. And Z and I have realized that our family isn't complete. There's still someone missing. We just don't know who it is yet. But...we are getting closer and closer to figuring out WHERE that someone is. And that is a bright spot for us.

Fear

2009-04-05T18:35:00.000-07:00

Its amazing what fear can do to us, isn't it? Fear can stop us from making a positive life change. It can keep us from stepping out of our comfort zone to meet new people or travel to an interesting place. It can keep us from ending old bad habits and starting new ones. Sometimes fear is necessary. Sometimes fear saves us.

Fear is powerful.

This past weekend I stared at one of my biggest fears in the face. Z's military deployment.

Right after Z and I got married, he was deployed to Iraq (he spent the entire year of 2004 in Iraq). It was, without question, the hardest year of my life. These days, hearing a song honoring military service, or watching a video about a family having a tough time dealing with deployment still bring all those fears and feelings right back to me and I end up teary-eyed.

Z's unit is getting ready to deploy again. They'll be leaving for training relatively soon and will then be heading overseas for a year-long deployment in a combat zone. This time, we're lucky. As of right now, Z is not on the list of soldiers scheduled to go. He's waiting to hear about a promotion, which makes him non-mobile...but the truth is, that can change. Instead of going overseas, Z will be deploying with his unit to the training bases they need to go to. He'll be helping them while they train and helping them process the loads of paperwork they need to do before they go. Once the rest of the unit gets on the plane to go overseas, then Z will be able to come back home. As of right now, Z's deployment will likely be for about 2-3 months.

We're lucky. Z is leaving...but the time he's gone will be short. Z is leaving...but he'll be stateside. We can still talk on the phone every day. I won't have to worry so much. I'll still be "on my own" for a couple of months...but its only a couple of months.

This past weekend was the family readiness meeting for their deployment. We spent 2 days in meetings about Tri-Care, soldier rights, family resources, etc. The last time Z deployed, I remember these meetings being so unbelievably overwhelming. I remember how fearful I felt and how I wanted to just hide in the corner and cry. I wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me that everything was going to be fine. I wanted someone to tell me that life would be exacly the same when Z got back. But no one could do that. And the truth is, it wouldn't have been possible. Things weren't the same when he got back. But we got through it...we both changed during the time he was gone. But we both accepted the changes, spent lots of time communicating how we felt about things, and adapted.

This time around, the meetings weren't so stressful for me. This time around those meetings weren't to help me so much as they were to help the other families in the room. We're getting off easy this time. But as I sat in that uncomfortable chair for 2 days, I remembered just how it felt the first time. I saw the look in the other family member's eyes that must have been in mine. I heard the questions that I had swimming through my head.

I watched as soldiers and their spouses reached out to hold each other's hands...knowing that they want to touch as often as possible while they still can. And I reached out to my husband and took his hand, too.

Its a Spaceship!! (can't you tell??)

2009-03-29T20:45:00.000-07:00

Who knew that an empty toilet paper box could be so much fun?!?! Today this box was a spaceship AND a pirate ship. Apparently there's a fascination with ships around here....

Last Weekend...

2009-03-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

This was happening at our house. That's right...two brothers...one SMALL space...a toilet and a sink. We got ourselves a new bathroom! We are now the proud owners of a 1 1/2 bathroom house!! Which means we have a bathroom on our second story. WooHoo!!

Thank you big brother for spending your weekend helping us. And thank you "little" brother for donating your weekend to help, too. We owe you. And we all love you.

In case you were wondering...

2009-03-29T19:24:00.000-07:00

Jellybean has now lost 3 of his front teeth in the past 2 weeks (the third one came out today - "on accident" - after Peanut "crashed" into him during a game). At this rate he won't have any teeth left to bite into anything.

I was joking with him this afternoon that he wouldn't be able to eat any food if he kept losing his teeth. And he just simply told me he'd "eat soft food". LOL!

I'll try to get a photo of his tooth-less grin tomorrow!

Tonight I just have to remember that the Tooth Fairy has an appointment tonight!

Uncertainty

2009-03-29T17:34:00.000-07:00

Today was one of "those days". When you're in the midst of an emotional journey, some days are ok and others are tough. Today was a tough day...precipitated by the fact that I got two emails regarding the death of a certain little girl in an orphanage across the ocean. This little girl was special to us...important to us...an unoffical part of our family. Unfortunately, she wasn't officially a part of our family and so we are being told we can't find out anything about her or what caused her death. And the agency director was a bit "snippy" in her last email, which only makes me want to get defensive and really tell her what I actually think about this whole situation. I've restrained myself all weekend; mostly because I am sure that I would say something that I would eventually regret...and because I also know that it likely wouldn't do any good to speak my mind anyway.

This whole situation has made me feel less and less certain about our adoption plans. It isn't that I don't want to adopt again; I just am feeling less sure about adopting from Ghana again. Now I have to say before I launch into this discussion that we have been totally and utterly happy with our agency (AAI). They are doing great things in Ghana (and elsewhere)...they strive to do all the "right" things...and we know when we work with them that the focus of their energy is on the kids and doing what's right by them.

I can't say for sure what it is that's making me think Ghana might not be where child #3 is. It isn't that I don't love Ghana...because I do. Its just that I sort of feel like that door is closing inch-by-inch for us. Maybe things will change. And maybe I'm just in that fickle "I have no idea what we are doing" stage. I don't know.

But today I read this post by my friend Carolyn at Project HOPEFUL. And my first thought was "hmm...Eastern Europe...maybe we could do that..."

At this point there's no knowing where we'll end up, or if we'll end up taking the plunge to start another adoption process. But right now, there are infinite possibilities.

Jail. Again.

2009-03-26T07:22:00.001-07:00

On Tuesday morning, I went to jail. Again. To get my fingerprints done. Again.

Apparently, the fingerprints I had taken two months ago weren't good enough for the FBI and they were rejected. So, I had to head back to the local Sheriff's department to get my fingerprints re-done.

When we adopted the boys, this step wasn't necessary for our homestudy...and I would happily by-pass it again if I could. Two months ago when I got my fingerprints done, Z and I went in together...there was lots of laughing and joking with the officer who did the fingerprints...and by the end of our appointment he was telling Z he needed to apply for a job there. This time around, I got an officer with some clear anger-management issues. He was frustrated with the machine, he was frustrated with my fingers...he was frustrated with the FBI for not clearing my prints last time when clearly "that's as good as their gonna get!"

After 40 minutes and SEVERAL scans of each of my fingers, I left the jail booking area with a new fingerprint card that I am fairly certain will have the same fate as the last one - rejection by the FBI. After a couple of months of processing, of course.

So this means we'll have to sit on our hands for another couple of months with no homestudy approval and no decision about our adoption plans.

When we began this adoption process, we honestly thought there was a real possibility that Twinkie could be coming home to us this summer. At this rate summer will pass by and we won't even have a completed homestudy. There have been so many starts, stops, pauses, and "putting things on hold" during this adoption process as we waited for things in Ghana to figure themselves out. We didn't think this is where we would be several months in. Its frustrating and overwhelming to think about how long we've been at this.

It all makes me think I should just throw up my hands and say "I get it! I'm done already. This is the end of our adoption journey."

But the problem is, in my gut it doesn't FEEL like this should be the end. Not yet. Maybe I'm just in denial.

Today's Calendar Post

2009-03-20T07:22:00.000-07:00

"The state of one's soul is more important than outward appearance."
-Tanzanian Proverb